Out of steam? No, just changing to steamed broccoli.

Hey, everyone! I'll apologize again for the lack of updates, but you know, holiday weekend and all. :) Hubby and I have come to a decision. Our nutritionist had originally suggested we try juicing for 30 days and see how we felt about the whole thing. Well, 30 days will be this Sunday, September 11th. We have decided (mostly because of my whining) that we will begin solid food again on Day 31. We met with Marie last night, and the plan is to slowly work food in. For example, weeks 1 and 2 will consist of a full juice for breakfast, half a juice for a mid-morning snack, a full juice for lunch, and a sensible supper. If we get hungry between lunch and dinner, a half juice will be our snack. Eventually, we will work down to 1-2 juices per day. I believe we'll probably continue to do a juice for breakfast for quite a while. She also mentioned that we should do a 1-week juice fast every 3 months or so to re-cleanse and remind our body what it's really geared for. We mentioned vegan cheese to her, but she felt we should stick with real cheese, but only once a week or so. During the first week or two of our fasting break, it should only be consumed once. Basically, my meal plate will be 25% raw veggies, 25% cooked veggies, 25% protein (beans, legumes, or protein-happy veggies) and 25% brown rice or other complete whole grain. We also want to try kale chips, heard they're really good. I know Earth Fare carries different flavors.

This Saturday will be our grocery store workshop with Marie. She will teach us how to spot truly healthy choices and how to really read labels. The following Tuesday will be a meal planning session. We are to "plan, plan, plan and stick with the plan", to quote her. :) Steven bought three healthy cooking magazines at Earth Fare the past few days, and he is searching through them for some options. The first few days, we are supposed to eat in solid form what we have been drinking (zucchini, kale, cucumbers, chard, fruits, etc.) to help ease our stomachs back into taking in and processing solid food.

The trip to see family in middle TN will still be tough in a week and a half, but not as tough as it would have been. And, by the way, 18 days to sweet, sweet Florida. *love*

I'm blessed...

I have an incredible husband! I just miss chewing and eating.

I also want to say that I want to eat. I understand it wouldn't be what I ate before. I'd even take lentil soup. I just want to eat. *sigh* Work though it!

We're setting a goal for working out at least three to four times a week. I'd like to go every night we're not tied up, though, i.e. Mondays and Wednesdays. I really want to walk the entire 5K on October 23rd. Gotta download some more music to my iPod later today. Think we're swimming tonight, though, yay! :)

I've received several nice compliments from those of you following my blog and my Facebook updates .I really appreciate it, and I hope I can somehow encourage you in your journeys. :)

Easier, but harder...

Hello, all! Sorry I haven't updated in a couple of days, had a super busy weekend. Seems like this juicing thing is getting easier but harder -- easier because we're finding combinations that are more and more tolerable. Either that, or I'm learning to like this stuff...hmmmm. It's getting harder, because my mind wants real food. I want to chew. I wanted to sneak a doughnut Sunday...badly. Got to the room where they are during Sunday School...a box nowhere in sight. The struggle to not give in is getting harder, though. Part of my mind says, "It's not worth it." Part of my mind says, "But, OMG, it's so good." Marie reminded me last night that I would likely become nauseated and feel terrible if I gave in. Plus, it would hurt Hubby. It's just a struggle right now.

I bought a skirt Saturday at the consignment shop for around $6.00. It's adorable...black with pink flowers...and it's an 18. An 18. That's a big goal in eight months. We met with Marie last night and talked about our weight loss goals. Hope to be down to at least 250 by our Italy trip in early May next year. Hope to be under 300 by this Christmas. :) I think we can do it, especially since we're starting to add more movement. I believe I start my walking program tonight with Miss Robyn. :) Steven's gonna hit the gym, since our membership doesn't expire for another six months. I really need to concentrate on walking because of the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in late October. I want to try to hit the gym at least three times a week. I have that glorious iPod, I need to USE it! We cleaned out our laundry room night before last, and I found a pair of soft capris I can exercise in, woohoo! :) Here I come!

Floating along...

So, here we are, floating along (literally...so much juice/water)! 64 oz of juice a day and 64 oz of water, but that makes for a hydrated body. :) I believe I've lost a little over 35 pounds now since earlier this year. I'd lost 11 the other day (day 9), so I'm sure it's up some by now, maybe 13 or so. I'm going to start training tomorrow night for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on October 23rd. That's two months away, and my nutritionist thinks I can very well do the whole 5K. I'm not sure with these heel spurs, though. A very sweet friend has offered to walk with me in the race, and she and I are going to start walking tomorrow evening. I'm going to try 5 minutes from the entrance and 5 minutes back. If I feel good, maybe 10 minutes from the entrance and 10 minutes back. Gotta find something appropriate to wear, though. I have some knit cotton bottoms, but they're long pants. It may be too hot for that. I may just say 7:00 instead of 5:30, just depends on her schedule.

SO, hubby and I think we may hit Italy in May 2012! I found an awesome little farmhouse on an organic farm. There's a chef on site who cooks with the food grown on their farm. It's about two hours from Rome and four hours from some other nifty places. So, we could make a day trip or two out of them. The house is actually in Tuscany, about a mile from the shore. There's a tree-lined bike path down to the shore on this private property. I need to learn to ride a bike first, though. :-o I'm also a little scared to be in a foreign country...not for safety reasons, just the thought of being stranded where no one speaks your language. The owner and on-site keeper do, though. Apparently, there are trains back and forth between alot of these places, so we wouldn't have to drive much. I'm excited, but scared...something new to overcome. :)

I love you, scale...

You're my best friend! Right now, anyway. ;) Steven and I went by the Urgent Care clinic at our doctors' group yesterday, and I'd lost 6 more pounds! That's 11 since I start juicing 9 days prior. That means 26-1/2 total since we started with our nutritionist. However, the scale said he weighed the same thing he did before we started juicing, and I KNOW that's not the case. You can tell in his clothes, they're falling off. So, he thinks it's 10-15 pounds heavy. So, by THAT scale, we've both lost around 30-35. Either way, I'll take it! Our friend Jessica told us yesterday when we walked into church that she could tell we'd lost weight. (Love her!) My parents had said the other day that they could tell as well. I can tell my pants legs are much baggier, and Steven said he could tell my stomach was shrinking. His is, too, and that's where he carries most of his weight.

We went to Asheville this weekend and hit a couple of farmers' tailgate markets on college campuses, one market/juice bar, and a restaurant/juice bar. Didn't get many new juice ideas, but we did have some yummy juice. One was apple/orange/carrot, and the other was apple/pear/orange with sweet Red Delicious apples. Yummy! We spent quite a bit less on produce than we did the previous week at Earth Fare, but we don't think it will be a weekly trip, because it's about an hour drive. He bought me some flowers, too, though! :)

We meet again tonight with Marie, and I'm excited to tell her about the loss. I also need to talk to her about my skin. My face is really drying out and breaking out, it's weird. I thought it would be really balanced with all these nutrients I'm taking in, but maybe it's something simple I can do.

Gotta get some foot pain relief before this Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in late October. I really wanna do this, and I'm doing it timed -- only so I can have a bib to hang on the wall and say, "YOU did that!" :)

Step away from the scale...

Sorry for the lack of updates, but honestly, I don't have a whole lot to say. Not much has changed. I will tell you that I'm going to have to cut down on the weighing. I weighed last Monday, I was 385. Tuesday, I was 380. Five pounds in one day...really?! So, of course, I went back the next day, much to my dismay. Zero pounds gone...next day, zero pounds gone. Marie told me that I will stall for days and then drop a significant amount, stall again, etc. So, I've decided Fridays will be weigh-in day. I'm not going today, though, because I'm ashamed to show my face at the doctor's office, haha! "Good Lord, is that girl obsessive or what?!" It will kill me not to weigh for a week, but I think it's for the best.

Oh, I almost forgot! My friend is a breast cancer survivor and is assembling a team for the local Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Guess who signed up? Yes, I know it's a 5k (3.1 miles), but you can stop whenever you need to. I'm doing it timed, though, just so I can get a bib, hang it on the wall and say, "HEY, I DID THAT!" I may not be able to finish with these heel spurs, but hopefully those will start to get better. Plus, it's October 23rd, which is a little over 2 months away. Hopefully, I'll drop a good amount of weight before then. Plus, my Zumba game for the PS3 arrives today, and a friend has offered to start walking a little with me. She also offered to walk with me in the race. Now, she jogs/runs, so I think it's extra sweet that she offered to turtle walk with me. :) Love you, Robyn! And, I love you Hubby for supporting me!

I almost liked it...

OK, so I just got done with my lunch juice, and I almost liked it. Starting out, it was bitter, of course, but by the last drink, it was like, "I'm used to this now." I guess that's more of it, I'm used to it. Either way, it'll work! I went by the doctor's office again at lunch -- I KNOW, I KNOW!!! I hadn't lost any...well, maybe half a pound. Something told me not to go today. But, still five pounds in one day was like crazy good. I should have realized it wouldn't be that good again today. I'm going to try to calibrate our scale tonight and see what it does. One of my bosses told me how to do it, yay! Then, I really can hop on every day...or not? *innocent smile* I'm keeping my water intake up as well, and I can tell I'm very hydrated. I won't tell you how I know, you'll have to think about that one. ;) I also went to Walgreens at lunch and got a little toothbrush, toothpaste and floss to keep here. I'm sure my co-workers would appreciate me not having spinach breath. I've found today that chard is much less stinky than kale...one discovery at a time. We're going to Asheville on Saturday to check out some of the local "tailgate markets" and check out an organic juice bar or two. Maybe we'll get some ideas of more concoctions I'll almost like.

Look into your crystal ball...

Marie came over last night and had a heart-to-heart with me. Our belief is that when my brother left home when I was 5 and died when I was 9, my mom wrapped this protective barrier around me, and I did the same thing, only with food. But now, I don't need to protect that little girl. I need to SHED that extra stuff and protect myself, encouraging a long, healthy life, with better choices. There's no need for that barrier anymore. When I was in therapy a while back, it really dawned on me that I'm comfortable with being overweight. I'm comfortable having hubby help me with my socks and shoes. I'm comfortable with having to ask for a table at a restaurant. I'm comfortable having to order my clothes from a catalog. I'm comfortable not being able to fit in a bathtub. I'm comfortable stuffing my face with things that, while they taste good, are killing me. Killing me softly...but killing me. When I talked with hubby yesterday, we discussed how I have my eyes on what I'm losing right now, looking back in the mirror at the way I used to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted. I need to smash that mirror and look forward. Maybe I need to pull out my crystal ball and see what COULD be, see what WILL be if I continue to do this. And, hubby is so excited, I could never back out of this. It's like Olivia on Jerseylicious...she had that "Vision Board" or "Dream Board", can't remember exactly. Either way, she talked about manifesting the things on it. Well, I have a small corkboard on my desk where I can see it. There are pictures of the beach, of course, a card from hubby, and a note from one of my bosses thanking me. But, I also have a picture of the Bahamas, Italy and two pictures of me around 240 pounds. I hope they manifest themselves. LOL :)

I miss my friend...

I know this sounds like I've been doing alot of whining the past couple of days -- and I guess I am -- but I'm really trying to put my thoughts on "paper" and, in doing that, everything's coming out. I'll start with the positives...I have more energy today. :) And, I've gotten more used to drinking the juice. It doesn't make me heave anymore, haha! I tried to drink 12 very cold ounces before lunch, and it made my tummy hurt. I've been attempting to gauge how much I can hold at one time since I had gastric bypass. Seems like 12 is probably the limit. I drank my lunch over the period of about 2-3 minutes. Plus, it was very cold, and I put it over ice...super cold. I'm still at the point where I'm...well let's say...not looking forward to it when it's time for juice. It's not really dread anymore, just more of a "blah" feeling. That, paired with my missing eating, is what's brought the tears that last couple of days. I guess you never really realize how big of a tie you have to something until it's gone. I feel like I've lost a life-long best friend, and I have...for 60 days, LOL! I just have to keep in mind that I will be able to eat again, just never like I did before. No more Pal's, McDonald's, lots of animal products. I guess that's part of it, too, that when this is done, I'll be EATING alot of fruits/veggies. I believe someday soon a light bulb will go off over my head and I'll say, "HEY! Feeling good and not on the verge of getting sick IS better than eating." It's not today, but someday soon, it will be "today".

P.S. -- My hubby ROCKS! :)

Cheeseburger, you're my best friend...

I didn't blog much yesterday because I slept most of the day. Today, though, was hard. We went to praise choir practice a little after 8:00, and I couldn't even make it through the second song without breaking down. I was overly sensitive to everything. I got it together before we actually sang during the service, but whew, it was close. I know I have lots of people supporting me, and I appreciate you all so much. Your little words of encouragement mean more than you know. Hubby and I had a long talk this afternoon after I broke down crying (again). I told him that, other than him, food's been my best friend. When I cheated on my diet, I was keeping my secrets FROM him WITH food. It knows my deepest, darkest secrets. Potatoes and mac and cheese always taste good. Chicken McNuggets always taste good. Food has been reliable, it's consistent. It always makes me happy. It never says, "You're too fat, you don't look right. I don't like you." It accepts me, no matter what. Only, does it really? Was my best friend killing me? Not before all this started, but sometime soon maybe. I never realized what a huge part of my life food was. Today was really hard. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Insert cool title here...

Forgive me if my thoughts are scattered, my mind is scattered. Breakfast was Citrus Inspired Greens...it was less than inspired, but not terrible. Lunch was watermelon and carrot. It was OK, but I remember how much I dislike watermelon. I love artificial watermelon flavor, but real watermelon? Yuck. Dinner was Mean Green, and well, I got it down. Snack will be orange/pineapple. Looking forward to that. :) Went to Kroger a bit ago for batteries, water and a few cleaning supplies. Yes, I passed food, but the thoughts were more, "I'm drinking nasty stuff...I will NOT ruin it by eating a Reese Cup." I'm pretty hungry with a headache, but that's normal. But, OMG, driving around by myself? I REALLY, REALLY wanted a tea. I didn't do it, though. I didn't do it. We were feeding the dogs a few minutes ago, and I almost asked Sydney if she'd share. Is that bad?

T minus 1 day...

So, day before yesterday, our juicer came and we set it up. Last night, we tried three different juices. The first was kale, celery, apple and lemon, and the majority of what I tasted was the lemon. My stomach was a little mad at me, but oh well. The second was fresh tomato juice, basil and garlic. OMG...N-A-S-T-Y. I don't like tomatoes (because of the texture, I thought), but I'll eat ketchup, marinara sauce, tomato soup...this was nothing like it. I literally gagged and almost puked after one sip. Steven said, "OK, guess that's not a starter." Third was apple, beet, carrot and strawberry. This was actually decent. I DID taste the beets, but I tasted the strawberries just as much. It wasn't my favorite thing ever, and yes, it was easier to drink while holding my nose. (You can't taste as well if you hold your nose. Did you know that?) Steven said, "Is it THAT BAD?" We also had to put them over ice, because I just can't drink it warm. The ice didn't melt very much at all, though, so it didn't dilute the mixture very much.

I sent Hubby flowers today to mark the start of this journey. I believe by the time we leave for Destin in 6 weeks, we'll have lost 60 or 70 pounds. Steven says more, but I'm gonna keep my sights low for now. That way, hopefully, I won't be disappointed. I know that sounds like alot of weight -- and it is -- but, this plan causes you to drop a massive amount of weight quickly. Normally, that wouldn't be healthy. But, just think...I did the same thing with gastric bypass. Lost some of my hair, but that was because of protein deficiency. That shouldn't be a problem this time. And, Lord knows we'll be getting enough nutrients with as many fruits and veggies as we'll be consuming.

We're heading to Earth Fare tonight to pack our fridge full of produce. :) I never thought I'd be doing this. I DID tell Steven that if I had a choice between drinking tomato juice and being 500 pounds, I'd choose the latter. Nasty.

Reality...

So, I was e-mailing with Marie this morning, and I mentioned to her how, while I'm excited, this doesn't seem real, I guess because I've failed so many times, even after I had great success with surgery. She mentioned to me that while blogging is great -- and I LOVE all the encouragement I get from your comments -- I also need a private "on-the-go" journal where I can really pour my heart out and not hold back.

I forgot to go to the Farmers Market this morning...oops? I believe we're going to try Ingles, anyway, since they have quite a bit of organic produce that's cheaper than Earth Fare. We started to go swimming last night at Mom and Dad's, but decided it was too late after dinner (they live about half an hour away), and then head to Earth Fare.

Our juicer is "out for delivery" with UPS, so hopefully it will arrive before we leave for church tonight. We're going to play around with it some tomorrow. We also got a couple of large insulated containers last night to tote juice to work with us. We have an office birthday lunch next Tuesday, and I'm a little nervous. But, I'll either take my juice along or just have water. Maybe it will show me how strong I really am.

I didn't hate it...

So, Marie came over last night and brought some juice she'd made. I was scared, to tell you the truth, because it was in a jar and very pulp-y...and very orange. I took a sip and had to fight back a gag. I mean, after all, it was veggies, and we all know how I feel about those things. Well, after the second sip, it was a little better. Each sip got better, in fact, and when I was almost done, I didn't hate it. It's a miracle! :) It definitely needs to be cold, though, and I may have to just down a big chug each time and not sip it. She told us that sipping it was not recommended unless done over a very short period of time, say 5 minutes. We may have to adjust for me because of my stomach size after the gastric bypass surgery. Granted, it's much larger than it was just post-op, but it still gets full really quickly. I'd say it's probably 8 to 10 ounces, and we're supposed to do 16 ounces at a time. Hubby, of course, just downed it with no problem and said, "It's fine" when asked what he thought of it. Get this, y'all...it contained carrots (which was obvious because of the deep orange color), cabbage, a Granny Smith apple and half a lemon.

We're really concerned about being around food, especially the first couple of days, so the plan is most likely to stay at home this weekend and pull each other through the hunger and headaches that most likely will occur. Plus, we probably will reside in the bathroom the majority of those two days...thank God we have two. She did advise last night that, although she would like us to follow through to the 60-day limit, to focus on 30 days right now.

Hubby and I were talking last night, and he said he wondered if I actually thought I'd be happier if I was thin. I told him, "Of course," and he still shook his head. He said, "I think you believe that you'll be happier eating what you want to eat." Possibility. I just can't wrap my head around being thin. Marie asked last night what my lowest weight was post-surgery. I told her 240, and she said, "How would you feel if you were 170, saw people you hadn't seen in 10 years, and they didn't recognize you?" I said it would be awesome, I'd be smiling ear to ear. She said, "But, wouldn't that also be strange?" I thought about that for a minute, and she's right. I've always been fat as long as I can remember. I felt different when I was 240, but it was a good different. I don't know how I'll feel being under 200. I just don't know. She wants us both to journal our physical and emotional feelings through this process. She doesn't care if it's writing phrases, writing a novel, whatever. I didn't tell her I blog, LOL! ;) Thanks for tuning in...

Everything is about to change...

I noticed I've been REALLLLLY tired lately, just plain ol' fatigued. I inquired of our nutritionist, and she said I should be feeling good, and to up one of my supplements to two per day. This still didn't help. I was so tired yesterday that I let hubby drive halfway back from middle TN. That, my friends, meant I was super exhausted. Nothing against his driving...I just don't do well in the passenger seat with anyone. I had a light bulb go off over my head, though...I haven't taken my iron supplements in two or six months...oops? I let myself run out, then forgot to get them filled. I'm supposed to take three slow-release tablets per day...that's a bit of a step up from, oh, NONE per day. My joints and back hurt, too. I'm a mess today. Anyway, we meet again with Marie tonight to really go over in detail the juice fasting plan. Our juicer should be here soon, although Amazon didn't feel the need to provide tracking information. Wow, thanks? I just hope it gets here before Saturday, so we can start as planned. We decided to start on a weekend in case we have some...intestinal issues...as we've heard we might during the first couple of days. We're weaning off of meats, dairy, and bread this week. And, I'm to hold it do one tea a day, so I'm not detoxing from caffeine at the same time as everything else. Interactions with me would be less than pleasant.

I can't help but think of a song I've found inspirational these last couple of weeks..."Move" by Mercy Me.

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard You say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see Your face

[Chorus]
When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

I've got to hold it steady
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change
This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but I wont break
As long as I can see Your face

The next step...

So, the next step in this juicing journey, as I'll call it, is our week or so of prep to get our bodies more used to what we'll be eating (or not eating, depending on how you look at it). We meet again with our nutritionist on Monday, when she'll give us lots more details about the plan itself. From what I've read -- and I could be wrong -- you can mix up veggies/fruits as you will, but there are various recipes provided on the program's website. I e-mailed our nutritionist last night, worried about whether I'm going to be able to choke down this stuff, since I loathe veggies. Yes, not only do I hate them, the level of hate is pretty significant. We had some organic tomato soup, though, last night at dinner, and I liked it. It wasn't the best thing I've ever eaten, mind you, but it was edible and I actually almost enjoyed it. Anyway, the nutritionist (Marie) wrote back to me and gave lots of encouragement and inspirational words of wisdom. She informed me that the fruit actually takes a big edge off of the veggie taste, so much that it's barely there. I've come to a decision, though. I want to lose this weight so badly, and I obviously can't control my food intake. I confessed to hubby the other day about cheating...I know, I know. I think this program is it...it's juice or nothing. There will be no sneaking food, b/c Pal's shouldn't be showing up on our bank statement anymore, even for a tea. So, if there is a charge on there, I'm busted...and that's a good thing. So, the juicer should arrive next week, and we begin juicing next Saturday, August 13th. Here we go! :)

Big decision...

OK, let me start at the beginning...good place, right? I attended a ladies' retreat through my church last weekend at Carson Springs near Newport. It was a beautiful place, and I had a wonderful time meeting new friends and getting to know old friends even better. The theme was "Think BIG...our GOD is!" Near the end of the sessions, there was a time for open testimony. I spoke about how God brought me through a very dark time in my life when I was deep in depression because of my OCD and contemplating suicide. I then proceeded to break down, asking for prayers in regard to my weight loss journey. I shared with everyone that I have battled this since I was 5 and that I'm now 35. I got lots of big hugs, and Becky (one of our leaders) immediately stopped to lead the group in prayer for me. It was very touching, and I felt encouraged. However, over the weekend, after I got back in town, those thoughts started rising up. "Why do you want to learn more about God? It's not like you're a Christian, anyway. God was done with you years ago. You turned away his salvation too many times when you were younger." (This is a whole 'nother battle besides the weight, folks.) Anyway, I did go to Lifeway today and bought a purse Bible. :) I found another one I want, the Life Application Bible (NIV). I now have a 20% off discount of my next purchase because my punch card is full. :) Thinking of buying that one...

Anyway, on to the "big decision". We have been meeting weekly with a nutritionist. She's holistic, which I know sounds weird to some of you, but she's very educated, conservative about weight loss plans, and a genuinely caring human being. She told us that a particular doctor's name had crossed her desk several times lately, and two people have given her a book by this particular doctor. His name is Joel Fuhrman, and the book is "Eat to Live". We all know I don't like veggies unless they're chopped so fine I can't get that chunky texture. She knows how I feel about veggies. She said she was about to drop a bomb. She reminded us how conservative she really is with weight loss plans and nutrition. She proceeded to tell us that there was a way we could lose a massive amount of weight in a short time by "rebooting" our metabolic system and our body as a whole. The answer? A juicing fast. Basically, we would be juicing fruits and veggies and having only that for anywhere from 10 to 60 days (60 days is the limit). There is a documentary film about this program called "Sick, Fat and Nearly Dead", I believe. We're going to watch it tonight on streaming Netflix. I feel excitement about this like I did when I was trying for and preparing for my gastric bypass surgery. Marie (our nutritionist) wants us to be sure our doctors are on board and indicated we would need bloodwork every 10 to 14 days to ensure we were getting everything we needed. I watched a video on YouTube earlier from "The Doctors" show, and there was a young lady who hated veggies. She tried a juice made with beets, carrots, ginger and lemon and absolutely loved it. I'm thinking even if I DO hate it, I can always chase it with water. She marked a couple of passages for us from the book, and Steven read them outloud last night. One mentioned a girl who was so much like me and lost, like, 300 pounds. The thing is, too, they are keeping it off...for years! The passage also made reference to a "dark pit" of being morbidly obese, and there was mention of a "dark pit" this weekend at the ladies' retreat? Coincidence...or God? Just pray that we will make the right decision. Steven is raring to go, he can make himself do anything. I, on the other hand, have a serious gag reflex when it comes to certain tastes and smells.

Chains are so heavy...

So, we just laid out a large amount of money for nutrition/food counseling with an AWESOME professional. But, I am struggling so hard. I swear, this food addiction has such an evil, strong hold on me. I don't know what to do. I did pray for a little bit and said, "God, I know your Son took all this on the cross for me, I'm claiming that." Because, really it IS sin, if you think about it. I'm being a glutton and so stubborn. I've done gastric bypass, I've done counseling, even a Celebrate Recovery group. It's like no matter what I do, I can't get free. I feel like I've got huge chains and weights on me. I don't know if it's more of a food addiction or an addiction to getting my way and doing what I want to do. Either way. I feel like nothing helps. I know this is whining, but I'm asking my friends to pray, send positive thoughts, whatever is your form of support. It's such a dark thing, so heavy and so evil. :(

I'm back...again.

I was prompted by a friend to start blogging again, so here I am! (Thanks, Susan!) Well, hubby and I have started a new chapter in this journey. We've met with a natural/holistic nutritionist and have signed up for a good deal of sessions with her. We have been eating mostly organic food for a couple of weeks, and I can't tell you how much better we feel! The nutritionist is super nice, and she's very knowledgeable. Our new insurance declined one of my OCD meds (I take three), so I'm slowly weaning off of it. Honestly, I have felt no differently, thank God! Marie (our nutritionist) will come up with supplement plan specifically for hubby and me, and she said that one is definitely going to help where I'm coming off of that particular medicine. She is also going to hold cooking classes with us, a grocery store trip together to learn what's good and what's not good for us. I'm really excited. I believe we have, like, 10 sessions and six workshops, yippee! The sessions are an hour to an hour and a half each, and the workshops are around three hours each. I'm excited, this is going to be a weekly thing. She may actually get me to eat veggies...we'll see. ;) Stay tuned...

Oops, I did it again...

So, I haven't been updating, because honestly, I've not been doing very well. And, when I don't do well, I don't want to own up to it, I want to hide. There, I said it. My carb addiction is back in full force...and I'm not happy about it. Well, wait...I'm happy as far as it makes me happy to fulfill that craving. But, I'm not happy with how I feel -- at all. Periodically, I'll remember some of you letting me know that you are praying daily for me. I feel I've let you down. I've taken those prayers neither into consideration nor to heart. I do appreciate it, though, and please, don't stop!

Last Friday afternoon, i was sitting at work and honestly felt like I was having a heart attack. My chest was aching with pain on both sides. I was on the verge of going to the hospital, but fortunately, it turned out to be a really bad case of heartburn. Sorry to be gross...but at least I wasn't dying! ;) I didn't say anything to my co-workers, because I didn't want it to be real. (So, I'll just sit here and fall out of my chair while clutching my chest. It's really no big deal. Smart, huh?)

Saw a video of myself from an event at church this past Sunday night, and that didn't help, either. I know my true friends don't judge me by my size, but it's so right-there-in-your-face. A wonderful friend of mine has referred hubby and I to a nutritionist, and get this...our appointment is 8 years to the day after my gastric bypass surgery. How...ironic? How...depressing. BUT, I just have to get up again, right? I've fought this monster since I was 5, for 30 years...can't stop now, right? I can't let it win. I can't die young just because I'm in love with food. I can't give it the control over me. As much of a control freak as I am, you'd think I'd be so obsessive about what I eat and my weight. I still think there are some underlying issues as to why I eat like I do. I honestly believe the whole carb addiction theory, but I also believe there's an emotional side to this, too. I just never have been able to find it. I did pick up a book that I've been reading -- "Made to Crave" by Lisa with Proverbs 31 Ministries. I can relate to her ALOT.

I just have to remember, I can do this. The question is "WILL I?"

Hey, wait!!! There goes the wagon...

I think I fell off. :-\ Hubby and I have been...how shall i says this...not following the plan the last couple of days. However, we are going to my FAVORITE restaurant tomorrow for date night. They have INCREDIBLE desserts. One last hoorah, and time to go to the grocery store, and we're back on Phase 1 Saturday morning. :)

Please hold...

I promise I will soon start updating more! We have a Pampered Chef party this weekend, so I may get a little off the rails with all that good food/refreshments. I may go back to Phase 1 of South Beach after that, just to restart. I've regained 3 pounds, but that's OK. We're gonna fix it. Thanks for your support! :)

I'm back...

Hey, I've had a couple of you tell me you're missing my posts. I really appreciate that, and I apologize for dropping off the face of the planet like that. I'll be honest, it's been really hard lately. I'm at that 2-3 week point (or so), where I start to slip (or want to slip). This is a real addiction, folks. I DID find something awesome yesterday, though - Mello Yello Zero. You know how awesome Mountain Dew is and how crappy Diet Mountain Dew is? Well, that is not the case with Mello Yello and its counterpart. It's actually tolerable - good, in fact. Gonna pick some up at lunch. ;) Better than sweet tea, right? Right. *sigh*

Saw one of my friends (hi, Tracie!) at the 5K sponsored by our church last night. I hope she did well, I'm sure she did. Hubby and I were working the registration table, and someone came up that had lost 262 pounds in a year (without gastric bypass) and was doing the 5K last night. He showed us a picture of him before he lost weight...amazing! I had a bad weekend (forgot my medicine Saturday), and I bawled yesterday. I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but it's such a strong pull between satisfying that craving and doing what I want (I know, that's immature) and knowing how good I'll look and feel if I lose weight. I've never known another struggle like this. Again, not whining, just saying. It's incredible the pull that food/carbs has, almost scary.

Someone help me...

So, someone brought cookies into the office today, all different kinds. I glanced, and one of them has M&M's in it. Wahhhhh! :( I honestly believe this carb addiction stuff. These things are SCREAMING at me to come eat them. It's absolutely a mental battle for me to sit here and not get up off my butt and go get one...half of one. Argh, see what I mean?! I'm not even hungry. Granted, I didn't have much lunch, but I had a protein bar when I got back to work. I've also had a couple handfuls of mixed nuts. At least they're not iced cookies. I would probably run screaming from the building. Like I said, though, this is a physical/mental struggle. My body wants those carby cookies REALLY badly...but I shall be strong! Hubby told me he heard they were made with tomato chunks, haha! That turned me off quickly. And, he reminded me of "Italy, Italy, ITALY" and 15.5 pounds. I can do this! It will not kill me...in fact, it may save me.

Fifteen and a half, holla! :)

So, I’ve lost 5 more pounds since last Wednesday, yay!!! I believe our scale is finally right – it seems to be, anyway. I have a bad habit of not blogging on weekends, but this weekend was crazy. Saturday morning, we slept late and then went to the Honda dealership. We had an “invitation” to a “special event”, ended up getting a new car, woohoo!  I cannot lie – I LOOOOVE this car, it’s awesome! Then, we went to eat dinner in NC with Mom and Dad yesterday at a place called Shatley Springs. It’s a family style, southern restaurant, and the only thing missing was mac and cheese (thank God). I had a little mashed potatoes, a little corn, and a little bit of cooked apples as carbs. I mainly had chicken and green beans…oh, and unsweetened tea. My dad had some chocolate milk and banana pudding. Thought I’d die, but I just kept thinking, “I’ll be able to walk around in Destin. I’ll be able to walk around in Italy.” Again, we’re hoping to have lost 50 pounds each by the end of September when we go to Florida. After you get used to it, it’s not that hard. I haven’t even really had a craving for sweet tea…I thought about it yesterday, but didn’t really crave it. This is just proof that carbs are what kept me hungry, and being hungry all the time led to serious weight gain. Yay for protein! :D

Crisis averted...

So, I really, really was thinking about Cheddar Rounds from Pal's this morning. I even drove by there on my way back from the post office, but I did not stop. Yay me! I came back to the office and ate the honey-roasted cashews I bought this morning at the convenience store. One of my friends from church has "Facebook-introduced" me to a friend of hers who she believes shares similar struggles and also blogs. Maybe I'll get some inspiration from her. Oh, and apparently, our scales -- if they're at a point where they'll work -- are 5 lbs heavy. They go to a certain weight, and I'm very close to it, so things are a little iffy as to its accuracy. Maybe I'll have more interesting things to say later. Have a great day! :)

Slow down, but don't stop...

So, the train has begun to slow, but that's OK -- it's still moving!!! :) Went to weigh today, and since last Wednesday, on this scale, I'd lost 3 more pounds -- total 10.5, Woohoo! :) First week was 6.5, second week was .5, today was 2.5 (again, all on this particular scale). It's kind of like this one stretch of highway on the way to middle TN to visit Steven's family. The speed limit keeps changing, 45 to 55, 55 to 45, etc. But, we continue to move. That's what's so important! I honestly think the biggest thing that's helped me the last 3 weeks has been actually HAVING a water intake and completely cutting out sweetened beverages. :) I haven't had a sweet tea in 3 weeks and 2 days, my friends! ME! How crazy is that?! And, you know what? I haven't died. Shocker. I may actually be down by 50 lbs when we leave for Destin in late September! :) Stay tuned, my friends...

*insert squeal here*

So OMG, we just got an AMAZING deal on a PENTHOUSE condo in Destin for the last week of September, I'm so stoked!!! This is yet another incentive to lose weight, as I hope to be down by 50 lbs then. That's about 5 months away, so I need to lose about 2 pounds a week. I CAN DO THIS!!! I'm curious as to how much hubby has lost. I know I'm the one obsessed with numbers and he's the one who judges his progress on how much better he feels, but I wanna know! It's a competitive thing, I guess. ;) Hopefully, we'll both be able to move alot easier and walk more by the time late September rolls around. If I wasn't at work, I'd be squealing! Eeeeeeee!!!!! :D God has blessed us so much.

So sleepy...

No idea why, but I'm drained today. I went to bed early last night and still woke up exhausted. Think my B-12 shots may need to continue to be weekly instead of changing to monthly. Anyway, 2 eggs for breakfast and a protein bar for a snack, along with a bottle of sugar-free flavored water. :) Even though this Friday is Good Friday and I'm off work, the doctor's office is open, so I plan on taking a little trip by there to weigh. They're probably getting tired of me, but until that scale at home starts acting right, I don't trust it. I hope and pray I'm still on the decline after last weekend. I should be, just a little nervous. I'm hoping for a 2-lb loss. Haven't hit the gym yet, we are just so busy. Need to MAKE time for it, though. I'm still planning on doing the one-mile fun walk on May 15th. I need to "get ta steppin" as Steven would say. ;) Stay tuned...

There's that monster again, rearing its ugly head...

Sorry for the weekend hiatus, folks! Steven took me to Myrtle Beach for the weekend, since he started his new job and had to postpone our Florida trip. Weather was way better than expected, didn’t rain ‘til Saturday night. We were scheduled to begin Phase 2 of South Beach today; however, that was a *little* hard to stick to on the road and at the beach. We didn’t go crazy, but I can tell a difference. Choices for me were very limited as far as sides at restaurants. I had ½ cup of mashed potatoes on Friday night, and then Saturday, we shared some popcorn at the IMAX. Saturday afternoon, I had ½ a wheat bun with a turkey burger along with some sweet potato chips (both allowed on Phase 2). Yesterday, we stopped at Subway for breakfast on the way out of town, and we had an egg sandwich on flatbread (also allowed on Phase 2). However, within two hours, I was hungry. That much protein (eggs and cheese), and I was HUNGRY?! And, it was the old carb-related hunger. Then, yesterday afternoon, I was craving a candy bar. My conclusion? The carbs are working on my brain, LOL! In all seriousness, though, I do believe that my carb addiction was reignited. So, per hubby’s suggestion, back on Phase 1 for the next 5 days, and Saturday, we’ll move to Phase 2. However, the bad carbs you’re allowed to have rarely on Phase 2, I’m not going to have at all. Flatbread is actually a good carb because it’s unleavened, but I honestly think it just didn’t work for me. Potatoes, white flour, etc…no longer for me. I felt my old self slipping back in…the unmotivated, uncaring self. So, I’m stopping myself before I go any further. Today, it’s back to water (I still proudly have had no sweetened beverages since I started this two weeks ago), veggies and protein. Must…stay…strong!

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!!!

So, I went to the doctor this morning, not thinking they'd weigh me at the hematologists's office, and according to their digital scale, I'd lost two more puonds. I'm not gonna argue with it -- 9 POUNDS GONE, YAY!!! I know it might be a different scale, but how off can it be? It's a very expensive digital scale in the doctor's office. I'm runnin' with it. Promised hubby I would update with the good news. :) Myrtle Beach tomorrow, wahoo! It will be tough to stay on plan this weekend, but WE CAN DO IT!!! Stay tuned...

Half a freakin' pound...8 oz...

Seriously? I lost half a pound, that's it?! I could sit here and be all, "Oh, poor me, I've busted my hump this week, and this is all I get?" And, believe me, I did think that all that...but, it just means it's time for overdrive. I believe I've been eating too much string cheese. I need something different, so I'm going to get some almonds or peanuts at lunch. I DID drink four bottles of water yesterday, so I reached that goal. I'm not beating myself up, just gotta hit it harder. Gotta start exercising. I went by the doctor's office to weigh, of course, and the nurse gave me some info on a diabetic diet. She said South Beach is good, but you can't do it forever. I thought, "Ummm...why not?" The company about which she gave me some information, though, WILL send me a free fat/calorie counter book chocked full of information. It's at least worth that to fill out the card. I've noticed little things are happening to encourage our not going to the gym. There's lack of time, and I CANNOT get my recently downloaded iTunes to load on my mp3 player, ugh. You can't stop me, though! :) Stay tuned... OH, and Myrtle Beach this weekend, yahoo!

Losing steam?

So, I don't know what it is about today, but I'm dealing with alot of head hunger. I'm craving something hot for lunch, and I brought a salad. I looked up Wendy's chili...22 carbs!!!! WHAT?! Ugh. Talk about a lack of motivation today, too. *sigh* I should've known with all this "WAHOO, THIS IS AWESOME" stuff couldn't last forever. Don't get me wrong, I am DEFINITELY still with this...even downloaded a bunch of songs for my mp3 player to work out with. Must...get...MOTIVATED. Stay tuned...

Do I have to eat...

Another awesome development yesterday! :) I had 2 eggs for breakfast around 7:30 and then some string cheese around 11:30. We didn't go for lunch until about 2:00, and I wasn't hungry at all. I know you're thinking, "Wow, two and a half hours? I wouldn't be hungry, either." But, this is coming from the girl that was hungry every two hours. I'm telling you, this no carb thing WORKS! I now realize it was the carbs making me hungry -- not my pouch emptying out too quickly (gastric bypass in 2003) or low sugar levels. It's simply the carbs. Lunch was half a piece of grilled chicken and a double dose of green beans. Didn't want anything else, even when we got home around 6:00. I finally had that "So, this is what hungry feels like" feeling around 7:30 when dinner was ready. We had salad and pork tenderloin from the rotisserie. I'm so excited, this is actually happening. Thank God for shedding light into our lives somehow that a low-carb plan was the one for us. Now, next goal -- to WANT to go to the gym. That might take a while, my friends. ;) Stay tuned...

You want me to do WHAT...

So, I texted my friend today who's been running for a while now, to tell her about the 5K our church is sponsoring. I said that if she decided to do it, we'd be there to cheer her on. She said she thought she'd already decided to do that one and that I shouldn't sit on the sidelines, I should participate. She'd almost talked me into it, but I don't think I could do a 5K anytime within the next month or so. I can't walk a long distance now without my back hurting. Soooo, I've decided instead to the one-mile fun walk/run. Unless, I can train myself up to 2 miles within a month. I'm gonna try and see how my back does. Downloading some iTunes now! :) Stay tuned...

Stronger than yesterday...

OK, so I just quoted a Britney Spears song, sue me. I actually like her...well, the old school stuff. ANYWAY, I've noticed some more good things today. Hubby and I had breakfast with Daddy at Cracker Barrel, and we both had scrambled eggs and turkey sausage. I put sweetener in my tea, and I said, "Wow, I only put three sweeteners in my tea, and it's really sweet. I'm scared he gave me sweet." Hubby reminded me that things are sweeter to me now. Also, I was getting my nails done, and my stomach started that "OMG, FEED ME NOW" stuff, and I actually had the thought: "Ah, well...it will pass." What, who said that?! Change is here. :) Stay tuned...

Here you come, creepin' around...

So, good news! I had my first weigh-in at the doctor this morning. I went to his office so I'd weigh on the same scale and know how off our home scale is. Found out, I'd lost between 6.6 and 6.8 pounds since last Friday, and we didn't start the plan 'til this past Monday! Woohoo! :) This elation lasted for about 10 minutes, though. Then, that old feeling of "So what, you've done this before" started creeping in. *sigh* I wanna believe this time's going to be different, and honestly, deep down, I think I do. I guess I've failed so many times, that failure keeps rearing its ugly head, mocking me. Please don't think I'm having thoughts of giving up, because I'm definitely not. I just...I wish I could take a ball bat and beat this monster back down in its hole. I've got hubby this time, and he won't let me fall. I think it will be much easier, though, when I can add back more types of foods a week from Monday. More variety, yay! Stay tuned...

A surprising development...

So, this morning, I put my single packet of Hawaiian Punch sugar-free mix in my bottle of water, and dang, it is SO sweet! :-x Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I was downing those things. Yesterday, I had a 20 oz bottle instead of a 16.9 oz, and maybe that helped, because it definitely was toned down yesterday. Could I possibly be on the way to thinking things are TOO SWEET? Wait, who said that?! *looks around* This is very encouraging. I hope to drop by the doctor's office today and weigh. Our scale at home hasn't moved, and I wonder if it's because I'm over the scale limit. *sigh* We shall see...Wish me luck and send up prayers, please! :) Stay tuned...

What I wouldn't give for a cracker...

To eat with all this reduced-fat cheese!!! I'm dying for something different than the turkey, lean beef, chicken, reduced-fat cheese, spinach and nuts I've been consuming...11 more days! Then, we can add back the whole wheat pasta, whole grain bread, fruit. Yahoo! I know this is good for me, but wow, I wonder if the endocrinologist really was right last week about carb addiction. I don't FEEL bad, but I swear, it's all I think about. I even DREAMED I was sneaking pizza crust the other night. Seriously?! Hubby told me Tuesday night that when the scale hit 250 for both of us (it's at 400 for me right now *sad*), we could go anywhere in the world I wanted. I immediately responded, "FLORIDA?!" He looked at me like, "Really? I just said 'the world', and you come back with 'Florida'?" So, I posted on Facebook for suggestions, and I'm seriously pondering Tahiti. The airfare is the most expensive part, and boy, is it expensive. We'd have to connect in Atlanta, then L.A., and then on to Tahiti! But, OMG, it's so beautiful! Little bungalows out over the water. *sigh* So, I guess every time I take a bite of spinch or turkey or whatever, I'll have to think of water so clear you can see to the bottom, white sand and those little bungalows while chanting "Tahiti, Tahiti, TAHITI"! Stay tuned...

Good morning...

Here's to 5 bottles of water and NO carbs today! Today is my third anniversary with hubby, so we'll celebrate tonight with lean sirloin and sauteed shrimp. Maybe on a bed of spinach for me. I want to celebrate many, many more with him, and hopefully, we're on the road to that! We're going to get a good scale to use at home, too, so we can track our progress. Go for my bloodwork Thursday and my follow-up with the hematologist next week. I've not been taking my three iron pills a day as directed...OK, I've been taking none. :-\ Nor have I been taking my vitamins...he's probably gonna tell me that if I don't get on the ball, I'll have to have IV infusions. Eep! We'll see what he says, though. With me eating all this protein, maybe it will raise to a normal level. That's all for this boring update, TTYL! :)

Rain, rain, GO AWAY!!!

Have I ever told you how much I HATE storms? Several reasons for this...tornado watches, dogs being stuck inside, tornado watches, satellite going out, tornado watches... So, tonight's dinner was seared/baked tuna, green beans, and sauteed shrimp. Not a big fan of fish, but South Beach advises it twice a week, and for Steven especially because of his heart. I did have 4 bottles of water today and 4 or 5 trips to the potty, haha! I guess that's, good, though. Water's good for almost every aspect of your health, I've heard. Also had a no-sugar-added fudge pop and a sugar-free popsicle. Yay me! Day 1, done. Day 2, you're going down!

Lord, give me strength...

Our office went to a local Cajun place for lunch, and I chose the best I could without the firm paying a crazy amount of money. I got a bowl of gumbo and picked out the sausage, chicken and shrimp. That wasn't much, and there was a big plop of rice in it, so I had a spoonful. However, I had no crackers, and I drank unsweetened tea. :) Talk about killing me with pasta dishes and bread, though, ugh! I was foaming at the mouth, I believe. I screwed up with the rice, I guess, but I will not stop going forward. Bottle of water #3, here I come! :)

Almost 2 years????

Since I updated this thing? Wow! :-\ Yet another example of how long I've been struggling with my weight. I've been noticing that I was getting dizzy occasionally and that I was REALLY sleepy after I ate. I saw my Nurse Practitioner, and she felt I should see an endocrinologist (sp?) for a possible metabolic disorder. They ran some bloodwork, and everything came back great. I'm not pre-diabetic, my blood pressure is fine, and my cholesterol is ok. My only physical problem is obstructive sleep apnea, which is treated with my CPAP machine. He indicated that if I did have some type of physical problem because of my weight (i.e., pre-diabetes), he could prescribe some medication, like Metformin, to assist me. He talked with me for about 30 minutes, and we discussed the possibility of carb addiction. I never really thought about it, but the more I pondered it, the more sense it made. He recommended a carb-free diet. I talked with hubby, and he said his heart doctor had advised him to follow the South Beach plan. So, we've decided to do that. $248 worth of groceries later, we've begun. Two eggs for breakfast, reduced fat string cheese and nuts for snacks, a salad for lunch. Just found out the office is going out to lunch, though, for an associate's birthday. Must...be...strong. If you see me in the corner, curled up a ball and chanting "sweet....tea", help me.