Easier, but harder...

Hello, all! Sorry I haven't updated in a couple of days, had a super busy weekend. Seems like this juicing thing is getting easier but harder -- easier because we're finding combinations that are more and more tolerable. Either that, or I'm learning to like this stuff...hmmmm. It's getting harder, because my mind wants real food. I want to chew. I wanted to sneak a doughnut Sunday...badly. Got to the room where they are during Sunday School...a box nowhere in sight. The struggle to not give in is getting harder, though. Part of my mind says, "It's not worth it." Part of my mind says, "But, OMG, it's so good." Marie reminded me last night that I would likely become nauseated and feel terrible if I gave in. Plus, it would hurt Hubby. It's just a struggle right now.

I bought a skirt Saturday at the consignment shop for around $6.00. It's adorable...black with pink flowers...and it's an 18. An 18. That's a big goal in eight months. We met with Marie last night and talked about our weight loss goals. Hope to be down to at least 250 by our Italy trip in early May next year. Hope to be under 300 by this Christmas. :) I think we can do it, especially since we're starting to add more movement. I believe I start my walking program tonight with Miss Robyn. :) Steven's gonna hit the gym, since our membership doesn't expire for another six months. I really need to concentrate on walking because of the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in late October. I want to try to hit the gym at least three times a week. I have that glorious iPod, I need to USE it! We cleaned out our laundry room night before last, and I found a pair of soft capris I can exercise in, woohoo! :) Here I come!

Floating along...

So, here we are, floating along (literally...so much juice/water)! 64 oz of juice a day and 64 oz of water, but that makes for a hydrated body. :) I believe I've lost a little over 35 pounds now since earlier this year. I'd lost 11 the other day (day 9), so I'm sure it's up some by now, maybe 13 or so. I'm going to start training tomorrow night for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on October 23rd. That's two months away, and my nutritionist thinks I can very well do the whole 5K. I'm not sure with these heel spurs, though. A very sweet friend has offered to walk with me in the race, and she and I are going to start walking tomorrow evening. I'm going to try 5 minutes from the entrance and 5 minutes back. If I feel good, maybe 10 minutes from the entrance and 10 minutes back. Gotta find something appropriate to wear, though. I have some knit cotton bottoms, but they're long pants. It may be too hot for that. I may just say 7:00 instead of 5:30, just depends on her schedule.

SO, hubby and I think we may hit Italy in May 2012! I found an awesome little farmhouse on an organic farm. There's a chef on site who cooks with the food grown on their farm. It's about two hours from Rome and four hours from some other nifty places. So, we could make a day trip or two out of them. The house is actually in Tuscany, about a mile from the shore. There's a tree-lined bike path down to the shore on this private property. I need to learn to ride a bike first, though. :-o I'm also a little scared to be in a foreign country...not for safety reasons, just the thought of being stranded where no one speaks your language. The owner and on-site keeper do, though. Apparently, there are trains back and forth between alot of these places, so we wouldn't have to drive much. I'm excited, but scared...something new to overcome. :)

I love you, scale...

You're my best friend! Right now, anyway. ;) Steven and I went by the Urgent Care clinic at our doctors' group yesterday, and I'd lost 6 more pounds! That's 11 since I start juicing 9 days prior. That means 26-1/2 total since we started with our nutritionist. However, the scale said he weighed the same thing he did before we started juicing, and I KNOW that's not the case. You can tell in his clothes, they're falling off. So, he thinks it's 10-15 pounds heavy. So, by THAT scale, we've both lost around 30-35. Either way, I'll take it! Our friend Jessica told us yesterday when we walked into church that she could tell we'd lost weight. (Love her!) My parents had said the other day that they could tell as well. I can tell my pants legs are much baggier, and Steven said he could tell my stomach was shrinking. His is, too, and that's where he carries most of his weight.

We went to Asheville this weekend and hit a couple of farmers' tailgate markets on college campuses, one market/juice bar, and a restaurant/juice bar. Didn't get many new juice ideas, but we did have some yummy juice. One was apple/orange/carrot, and the other was apple/pear/orange with sweet Red Delicious apples. Yummy! We spent quite a bit less on produce than we did the previous week at Earth Fare, but we don't think it will be a weekly trip, because it's about an hour drive. He bought me some flowers, too, though! :)

We meet again tonight with Marie, and I'm excited to tell her about the loss. I also need to talk to her about my skin. My face is really drying out and breaking out, it's weird. I thought it would be really balanced with all these nutrients I'm taking in, but maybe it's something simple I can do.

Gotta get some foot pain relief before this Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in late October. I really wanna do this, and I'm doing it timed -- only so I can have a bib to hang on the wall and say, "YOU did that!" :)

Step away from the scale...

Sorry for the lack of updates, but honestly, I don't have a whole lot to say. Not much has changed. I will tell you that I'm going to have to cut down on the weighing. I weighed last Monday, I was 385. Tuesday, I was 380. Five pounds in one day...really?! So, of course, I went back the next day, much to my dismay. Zero pounds gone...next day, zero pounds gone. Marie told me that I will stall for days and then drop a significant amount, stall again, etc. So, I've decided Fridays will be weigh-in day. I'm not going today, though, because I'm ashamed to show my face at the doctor's office, haha! "Good Lord, is that girl obsessive or what?!" It will kill me not to weigh for a week, but I think it's for the best.

Oh, I almost forgot! My friend is a breast cancer survivor and is assembling a team for the local Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Guess who signed up? Yes, I know it's a 5k (3.1 miles), but you can stop whenever you need to. I'm doing it timed, though, just so I can get a bib, hang it on the wall and say, "HEY, I DID THAT!" I may not be able to finish with these heel spurs, but hopefully those will start to get better. Plus, it's October 23rd, which is a little over 2 months away. Hopefully, I'll drop a good amount of weight before then. Plus, my Zumba game for the PS3 arrives today, and a friend has offered to start walking a little with me. She also offered to walk with me in the race. Now, she jogs/runs, so I think it's extra sweet that she offered to turtle walk with me. :) Love you, Robyn! And, I love you Hubby for supporting me!

I almost liked it...

OK, so I just got done with my lunch juice, and I almost liked it. Starting out, it was bitter, of course, but by the last drink, it was like, "I'm used to this now." I guess that's more of it, I'm used to it. Either way, it'll work! I went by the doctor's office again at lunch -- I KNOW, I KNOW!!! I hadn't lost any...well, maybe half a pound. Something told me not to go today. But, still five pounds in one day was like crazy good. I should have realized it wouldn't be that good again today. I'm going to try to calibrate our scale tonight and see what it does. One of my bosses told me how to do it, yay! Then, I really can hop on every day...or not? *innocent smile* I'm keeping my water intake up as well, and I can tell I'm very hydrated. I won't tell you how I know, you'll have to think about that one. ;) I also went to Walgreens at lunch and got a little toothbrush, toothpaste and floss to keep here. I'm sure my co-workers would appreciate me not having spinach breath. I've found today that chard is much less stinky than kale...one discovery at a time. We're going to Asheville on Saturday to check out some of the local "tailgate markets" and check out an organic juice bar or two. Maybe we'll get some ideas of more concoctions I'll almost like.

Look into your crystal ball...

Marie came over last night and had a heart-to-heart with me. Our belief is that when my brother left home when I was 5 and died when I was 9, my mom wrapped this protective barrier around me, and I did the same thing, only with food. But now, I don't need to protect that little girl. I need to SHED that extra stuff and protect myself, encouraging a long, healthy life, with better choices. There's no need for that barrier anymore. When I was in therapy a while back, it really dawned on me that I'm comfortable with being overweight. I'm comfortable having hubby help me with my socks and shoes. I'm comfortable with having to ask for a table at a restaurant. I'm comfortable having to order my clothes from a catalog. I'm comfortable not being able to fit in a bathtub. I'm comfortable stuffing my face with things that, while they taste good, are killing me. Killing me softly...but killing me. When I talked with hubby yesterday, we discussed how I have my eyes on what I'm losing right now, looking back in the mirror at the way I used to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted. I need to smash that mirror and look forward. Maybe I need to pull out my crystal ball and see what COULD be, see what WILL be if I continue to do this. And, hubby is so excited, I could never back out of this. It's like Olivia on Jerseylicious...she had that "Vision Board" or "Dream Board", can't remember exactly. Either way, she talked about manifesting the things on it. Well, I have a small corkboard on my desk where I can see it. There are pictures of the beach, of course, a card from hubby, and a note from one of my bosses thanking me. But, I also have a picture of the Bahamas, Italy and two pictures of me around 240 pounds. I hope they manifest themselves. LOL :)

I miss my friend...

I know this sounds like I've been doing alot of whining the past couple of days -- and I guess I am -- but I'm really trying to put my thoughts on "paper" and, in doing that, everything's coming out. I'll start with the positives...I have more energy today. :) And, I've gotten more used to drinking the juice. It doesn't make me heave anymore, haha! I tried to drink 12 very cold ounces before lunch, and it made my tummy hurt. I've been attempting to gauge how much I can hold at one time since I had gastric bypass. Seems like 12 is probably the limit. I drank my lunch over the period of about 2-3 minutes. Plus, it was very cold, and I put it over ice...super cold. I'm still at the point where I'm...well let's say...not looking forward to it when it's time for juice. It's not really dread anymore, just more of a "blah" feeling. That, paired with my missing eating, is what's brought the tears that last couple of days. I guess you never really realize how big of a tie you have to something until it's gone. I feel like I've lost a life-long best friend, and I have...for 60 days, LOL! I just have to keep in mind that I will be able to eat again, just never like I did before. No more Pal's, McDonald's, lots of animal products. I guess that's part of it, too, that when this is done, I'll be EATING alot of fruits/veggies. I believe someday soon a light bulb will go off over my head and I'll say, "HEY! Feeling good and not on the verge of getting sick IS better than eating." It's not today, but someday soon, it will be "today".

P.S. -- My hubby ROCKS! :)

Cheeseburger, you're my best friend...

I didn't blog much yesterday because I slept most of the day. Today, though, was hard. We went to praise choir practice a little after 8:00, and I couldn't even make it through the second song without breaking down. I was overly sensitive to everything. I got it together before we actually sang during the service, but whew, it was close. I know I have lots of people supporting me, and I appreciate you all so much. Your little words of encouragement mean more than you know. Hubby and I had a long talk this afternoon after I broke down crying (again). I told him that, other than him, food's been my best friend. When I cheated on my diet, I was keeping my secrets FROM him WITH food. It knows my deepest, darkest secrets. Potatoes and mac and cheese always taste good. Chicken McNuggets always taste good. Food has been reliable, it's consistent. It always makes me happy. It never says, "You're too fat, you don't look right. I don't like you." It accepts me, no matter what. Only, does it really? Was my best friend killing me? Not before all this started, but sometime soon maybe. I never realized what a huge part of my life food was. Today was really hard. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Insert cool title here...

Forgive me if my thoughts are scattered, my mind is scattered. Breakfast was Citrus Inspired Greens...it was less than inspired, but not terrible. Lunch was watermelon and carrot. It was OK, but I remember how much I dislike watermelon. I love artificial watermelon flavor, but real watermelon? Yuck. Dinner was Mean Green, and well, I got it down. Snack will be orange/pineapple. Looking forward to that. :) Went to Kroger a bit ago for batteries, water and a few cleaning supplies. Yes, I passed food, but the thoughts were more, "I'm drinking nasty stuff...I will NOT ruin it by eating a Reese Cup." I'm pretty hungry with a headache, but that's normal. But, OMG, driving around by myself? I REALLY, REALLY wanted a tea. I didn't do it, though. I didn't do it. We were feeding the dogs a few minutes ago, and I almost asked Sydney if she'd share. Is that bad?

T minus 1 day...

So, day before yesterday, our juicer came and we set it up. Last night, we tried three different juices. The first was kale, celery, apple and lemon, and the majority of what I tasted was the lemon. My stomach was a little mad at me, but oh well. The second was fresh tomato juice, basil and garlic. OMG...N-A-S-T-Y. I don't like tomatoes (because of the texture, I thought), but I'll eat ketchup, marinara sauce, tomato soup...this was nothing like it. I literally gagged and almost puked after one sip. Steven said, "OK, guess that's not a starter." Third was apple, beet, carrot and strawberry. This was actually decent. I DID taste the beets, but I tasted the strawberries just as much. It wasn't my favorite thing ever, and yes, it was easier to drink while holding my nose. (You can't taste as well if you hold your nose. Did you know that?) Steven said, "Is it THAT BAD?" We also had to put them over ice, because I just can't drink it warm. The ice didn't melt very much at all, though, so it didn't dilute the mixture very much.

I sent Hubby flowers today to mark the start of this journey. I believe by the time we leave for Destin in 6 weeks, we'll have lost 60 or 70 pounds. Steven says more, but I'm gonna keep my sights low for now. That way, hopefully, I won't be disappointed. I know that sounds like alot of weight -- and it is -- but, this plan causes you to drop a massive amount of weight quickly. Normally, that wouldn't be healthy. But, just think...I did the same thing with gastric bypass. Lost some of my hair, but that was because of protein deficiency. That shouldn't be a problem this time. And, Lord knows we'll be getting enough nutrients with as many fruits and veggies as we'll be consuming.

We're heading to Earth Fare tonight to pack our fridge full of produce. :) I never thought I'd be doing this. I DID tell Steven that if I had a choice between drinking tomato juice and being 500 pounds, I'd choose the latter. Nasty.

Reality...

So, I was e-mailing with Marie this morning, and I mentioned to her how, while I'm excited, this doesn't seem real, I guess because I've failed so many times, even after I had great success with surgery. She mentioned to me that while blogging is great -- and I LOVE all the encouragement I get from your comments -- I also need a private "on-the-go" journal where I can really pour my heart out and not hold back.

I forgot to go to the Farmers Market this morning...oops? I believe we're going to try Ingles, anyway, since they have quite a bit of organic produce that's cheaper than Earth Fare. We started to go swimming last night at Mom and Dad's, but decided it was too late after dinner (they live about half an hour away), and then head to Earth Fare.

Our juicer is "out for delivery" with UPS, so hopefully it will arrive before we leave for church tonight. We're going to play around with it some tomorrow. We also got a couple of large insulated containers last night to tote juice to work with us. We have an office birthday lunch next Tuesday, and I'm a little nervous. But, I'll either take my juice along or just have water. Maybe it will show me how strong I really am.

I didn't hate it...

So, Marie came over last night and brought some juice she'd made. I was scared, to tell you the truth, because it was in a jar and very pulp-y...and very orange. I took a sip and had to fight back a gag. I mean, after all, it was veggies, and we all know how I feel about those things. Well, after the second sip, it was a little better. Each sip got better, in fact, and when I was almost done, I didn't hate it. It's a miracle! :) It definitely needs to be cold, though, and I may have to just down a big chug each time and not sip it. She told us that sipping it was not recommended unless done over a very short period of time, say 5 minutes. We may have to adjust for me because of my stomach size after the gastric bypass surgery. Granted, it's much larger than it was just post-op, but it still gets full really quickly. I'd say it's probably 8 to 10 ounces, and we're supposed to do 16 ounces at a time. Hubby, of course, just downed it with no problem and said, "It's fine" when asked what he thought of it. Get this, y'all...it contained carrots (which was obvious because of the deep orange color), cabbage, a Granny Smith apple and half a lemon.

We're really concerned about being around food, especially the first couple of days, so the plan is most likely to stay at home this weekend and pull each other through the hunger and headaches that most likely will occur. Plus, we probably will reside in the bathroom the majority of those two days...thank God we have two. She did advise last night that, although she would like us to follow through to the 60-day limit, to focus on 30 days right now.

Hubby and I were talking last night, and he said he wondered if I actually thought I'd be happier if I was thin. I told him, "Of course," and he still shook his head. He said, "I think you believe that you'll be happier eating what you want to eat." Possibility. I just can't wrap my head around being thin. Marie asked last night what my lowest weight was post-surgery. I told her 240, and she said, "How would you feel if you were 170, saw people you hadn't seen in 10 years, and they didn't recognize you?" I said it would be awesome, I'd be smiling ear to ear. She said, "But, wouldn't that also be strange?" I thought about that for a minute, and she's right. I've always been fat as long as I can remember. I felt different when I was 240, but it was a good different. I don't know how I'll feel being under 200. I just don't know. She wants us both to journal our physical and emotional feelings through this process. She doesn't care if it's writing phrases, writing a novel, whatever. I didn't tell her I blog, LOL! ;) Thanks for tuning in...

Everything is about to change...

I noticed I've been REALLLLLY tired lately, just plain ol' fatigued. I inquired of our nutritionist, and she said I should be feeling good, and to up one of my supplements to two per day. This still didn't help. I was so tired yesterday that I let hubby drive halfway back from middle TN. That, my friends, meant I was super exhausted. Nothing against his driving...I just don't do well in the passenger seat with anyone. I had a light bulb go off over my head, though...I haven't taken my iron supplements in two or six months...oops? I let myself run out, then forgot to get them filled. I'm supposed to take three slow-release tablets per day...that's a bit of a step up from, oh, NONE per day. My joints and back hurt, too. I'm a mess today. Anyway, we meet again with Marie tonight to really go over in detail the juice fasting plan. Our juicer should be here soon, although Amazon didn't feel the need to provide tracking information. Wow, thanks? I just hope it gets here before Saturday, so we can start as planned. We decided to start on a weekend in case we have some...intestinal issues...as we've heard we might during the first couple of days. We're weaning off of meats, dairy, and bread this week. And, I'm to hold it do one tea a day, so I'm not detoxing from caffeine at the same time as everything else. Interactions with me would be less than pleasant.

I can't help but think of a song I've found inspirational these last couple of weeks..."Move" by Mercy Me.

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard You say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see Your face

[Chorus]
When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

I've got to hold it steady
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change
This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but I wont break
As long as I can see Your face

The next step...

So, the next step in this juicing journey, as I'll call it, is our week or so of prep to get our bodies more used to what we'll be eating (or not eating, depending on how you look at it). We meet again with our nutritionist on Monday, when she'll give us lots more details about the plan itself. From what I've read -- and I could be wrong -- you can mix up veggies/fruits as you will, but there are various recipes provided on the program's website. I e-mailed our nutritionist last night, worried about whether I'm going to be able to choke down this stuff, since I loathe veggies. Yes, not only do I hate them, the level of hate is pretty significant. We had some organic tomato soup, though, last night at dinner, and I liked it. It wasn't the best thing I've ever eaten, mind you, but it was edible and I actually almost enjoyed it. Anyway, the nutritionist (Marie) wrote back to me and gave lots of encouragement and inspirational words of wisdom. She informed me that the fruit actually takes a big edge off of the veggie taste, so much that it's barely there. I've come to a decision, though. I want to lose this weight so badly, and I obviously can't control my food intake. I confessed to hubby the other day about cheating...I know, I know. I think this program is it...it's juice or nothing. There will be no sneaking food, b/c Pal's shouldn't be showing up on our bank statement anymore, even for a tea. So, if there is a charge on there, I'm busted...and that's a good thing. So, the juicer should arrive next week, and we begin juicing next Saturday, August 13th. Here we go! :)

Big decision...

OK, let me start at the beginning...good place, right? I attended a ladies' retreat through my church last weekend at Carson Springs near Newport. It was a beautiful place, and I had a wonderful time meeting new friends and getting to know old friends even better. The theme was "Think BIG...our GOD is!" Near the end of the sessions, there was a time for open testimony. I spoke about how God brought me through a very dark time in my life when I was deep in depression because of my OCD and contemplating suicide. I then proceeded to break down, asking for prayers in regard to my weight loss journey. I shared with everyone that I have battled this since I was 5 and that I'm now 35. I got lots of big hugs, and Becky (one of our leaders) immediately stopped to lead the group in prayer for me. It was very touching, and I felt encouraged. However, over the weekend, after I got back in town, those thoughts started rising up. "Why do you want to learn more about God? It's not like you're a Christian, anyway. God was done with you years ago. You turned away his salvation too many times when you were younger." (This is a whole 'nother battle besides the weight, folks.) Anyway, I did go to Lifeway today and bought a purse Bible. :) I found another one I want, the Life Application Bible (NIV). I now have a 20% off discount of my next purchase because my punch card is full. :) Thinking of buying that one...

Anyway, on to the "big decision". We have been meeting weekly with a nutritionist. She's holistic, which I know sounds weird to some of you, but she's very educated, conservative about weight loss plans, and a genuinely caring human being. She told us that a particular doctor's name had crossed her desk several times lately, and two people have given her a book by this particular doctor. His name is Joel Fuhrman, and the book is "Eat to Live". We all know I don't like veggies unless they're chopped so fine I can't get that chunky texture. She knows how I feel about veggies. She said she was about to drop a bomb. She reminded us how conservative she really is with weight loss plans and nutrition. She proceeded to tell us that there was a way we could lose a massive amount of weight in a short time by "rebooting" our metabolic system and our body as a whole. The answer? A juicing fast. Basically, we would be juicing fruits and veggies and having only that for anywhere from 10 to 60 days (60 days is the limit). There is a documentary film about this program called "Sick, Fat and Nearly Dead", I believe. We're going to watch it tonight on streaming Netflix. I feel excitement about this like I did when I was trying for and preparing for my gastric bypass surgery. Marie (our nutritionist) wants us to be sure our doctors are on board and indicated we would need bloodwork every 10 to 14 days to ensure we were getting everything we needed. I watched a video on YouTube earlier from "The Doctors" show, and there was a young lady who hated veggies. She tried a juice made with beets, carrots, ginger and lemon and absolutely loved it. I'm thinking even if I DO hate it, I can always chase it with water. She marked a couple of passages for us from the book, and Steven read them outloud last night. One mentioned a girl who was so much like me and lost, like, 300 pounds. The thing is, too, they are keeping it off...for years! The passage also made reference to a "dark pit" of being morbidly obese, and there was mention of a "dark pit" this weekend at the ladies' retreat? Coincidence...or God? Just pray that we will make the right decision. Steven is raring to go, he can make himself do anything. I, on the other hand, have a serious gag reflex when it comes to certain tastes and smells.