Trudging Along

So, today was day #4 of getting up at 5:30 a.m. to go to the gym. We’ve decided Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be water aerobics, and Tuesday and Thursday will be strength training. I’m feeling really good. I can move easier. I’ve kind of got near the back of the wagon today with these little Quaker Rice Cakes 90-calorie packs. They’re so good, I can’t help it. :( Darn you, Quaker, and your white chocolate drizzle-y goodness! Darn you! As of yesterday, though, I’ve lost 4-1/2 pounds. I’m trying to weigh every two or three days, not every day. Getting up early and going to the gym gives me more time in the evening, too. I’ve been trying to do one load of laundry each night and catching up on my Confessions of a Shopaholic series reading. Feels good to get stuff done.

I’m at the point I get to every time I try to start losing weight. It’s getting hard to say no to food, even when I don’t have any pent-up feelings being channeled toward it. I’m having to be really strong and say “NO, you don’t need that.” I know it will be hard when I hit a weight loss plateau, too. Seeing results makes it easier for me to keep going. I need to take my measurements and see how I shrink.

OK, this is off-topic, but I’m looking for a cute purse with a ribbon/bow for spring. A girl in my Sunday School class gave me the name of a girl who’s made purses for her and her mom before and would probably make one for me. I’ve e-mailed her, so we’ll see what she says.

My Meme is sick. :( She’s sneezing, and her little nose is warm and dry, not cold and wet. The vet said if she’s eating the same amount and has the same energy level (which she is/does), she’s probably just got a cold or even allergies. They said if it gets worse, or if I see any changes in her, to bring her in for a shot. I just worry a little, because she’s had an upper respiratory infection before. I guess we’ll just wait and see.

Say what?

So, I got up this morning at 5:45 to go to the gym…no, seriously. Steven went with me, and we did weights for about 20 minutes. I know, that’s not much, but we had to be back home by 6:45 to start getting ready for work. It technically opens at 6:00, but someone this morning had signed in at 5:35, so obviously, someone comes in earlier. I think we’ll do water aerobics tomorrow.  Have to get there earlier than we did today, though.

Why am I doing this, you may ask. I had an awesome group therapy session last night. From what I told them, others recognized that I stress eat (I didn’t think I did that) and that when I can’t express my feelings and emotions, I express myself by eating. It was very clear to me after that. They asked how the gym thing had been going, and I said we were trying to make a plan go to Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings and stick to it, no matter what. Dr. Dave suggested that I go in the mornings and do it every day to get into the habit. We think what we’re going to do is Monday through Friday mornings and take the weekends off. Honestly, it wasn’t bad. I was more awake and alert this morning than I usually am at 6:45. I think I sleep too much, and ultimately, that makes me feel bad.

I’ve done pretty well today. I had cereal for breakfast, a PB&J sandwich for a snack, and for lunch, I had some Laughing Cow and Triscuits, a small stack of ham, turkey, cheese and crackers and some one 90-calorie pack of rice cakes. For my snack this afternoon, I’ve had my other PB&J sandwich. Keep in mind, this is on whole wheat bread, and it’s not smothered with PB&J. I still have my Sun Chips, and I may or may not eat them. I know it sounds like I’ve eaten a lot, but I really think starting my day with exercise boosted my metabolism. :)

oops

Well, I stumbled. I didn’t exactly fall on my face, but I stumbled. I guess this is confession time. Last night, I bought a box of Fiber One blueberry muffins. The second ingredient was whole wheat flour, so I thought, “OK, this will be OK.” We’d had apple muffins the night before, and somebody ate the majority of them – not me, believe it or not. ;) So, I decided to get another box of mix. Wednesday night’s box made 9, this box made 10. I had a couple, then a little while later, I walked through the kitchen and grabbed another. I got up at 11:45 for a drink of Kool-Aid and got another one. *sigh* I didn’t mention earlier that the first ingredient was sugar, did I? I didn’t think so. We went out to eat last night at KFC, and we got the buffet. Fortunately, though, each of us only had one plateful. I had one piece of chicken, half a cup of mashed potatoes, some green beans and a little bit of corn. No biscuit, no dessert, yay me! So, I guess the day wasn’t a total loss food-wise. Just pick myself up and start again, right? I have so many people behind me. :)

Hello, stranger!

I know it’s been a long time since I updated, but here I am. To be honest, I’d just given up on the whole thing. I wasn’t mentally prepared for it. I’ve been going to therapy for about a month now, and I’ve learned alot. We’ve discovered I probably have a good deal of pent-up anger about something. I’m thinking it’s maybe related to my suffering with OCD, but we don’t know for sure yet. I have a “princess complex,” in that all my life, I’ve been treated like one. I’ve gotten the majority of what I wanted from everyone all my life, and I was really upset when I didn’t. For example – most of the time, I got jobs easily, and when I didn’t, I was heartbroken, wondering what I’d done wrong. This was ME, for crying out loud, didn’t they know that? I tend to bottle up the anger if I don’t get my way with someone I love. I turn most anger in my life toward myself. The aspect of my OCD that causes me to compulsively pick my skin and dig sores into myself, I believe, is due to some anger. I also feel like my eating habits are self-hatred. As Dr. Dave would say, “You’re mean as hell to yourself. You dig holes into your skin, and you stuff yourself.” By eating so much and being so large, I alienate myself from others – the one thing I don’t want. It’s kind of like punishing myself. I know this is all jumbled up and might sound like psychobabble, but it makes sense to me. I told Dr. Dave that I look at pictures of myself when I had lost a good deal of weight, and it makes me sad. He, again, thinks there’s probably some anger there, too, not just sadness. He asked me if it made me sad or angry that I couldn’t do things other people could and that the majority of people shuns me at my size. I said, “I think I’ve just gotten comfortable with it. I don’t let it bother me anymore.” He said, “Well, I think you need to get UNcomfortable. You need to let it make you angry or sad or whatever.” I think that’s gonna be the key to motivating me. I don’t deserve to settle. I deserve to live life to the fullest in every way. I hope this is it. I almost don’t want to jinx myself by blogging about it, talking about it, even thinking about it. But, let’s be honest, that’s not going to be what makes me give up. What makes me give up is my comfort level with my situation. I need to get uncomfortable. I think looking at the pictures and thinking about the things Dr. Dave mentioned will help, but I don’t think it’s the missing piece. I think there’s more to motivate me. I just need to find out what it is.

Yes, I'm still here.

Just been really struggling. Feel like I've tried everything, down to the last resort, and I just can't budge. I know what it is now. It's the whole idea of being able to do what I want, and it manifests itself as eating what I want. *sigh* I did hear a song today that really touched me. Laugh if you must, but it's "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus.

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you're going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

JM <3

Well, I lost half a pound yesterday. OK, technically, I believe it was either .2 or .4 of a pounds, but whatever. I'm claiming half a pound! I'm still struggling with my food issues. It's an everyday thing, but that's OK. It is for alot of people. Our exercise specialist talked to us yesterday, along with the nutrionist. The exercise specialist wanted us to make a chart and be competitive with each other. Like, whoever does the most activity (one gold star equaling 10 minutes) gets a prize they've been wanting. Like for me, it WOULD have been John Mayer tickets, but it doesn't look good for a tour this year. That's OK, though, I'd rather him have a new album drop. Speaking of my third favorite man (Steven and Dad are the top two), he posted this on his blog after winning two Grammys Sunday night.

Wow.

Thank you everyone.

You know, it's a blessing to know that you can learn how to truly appreciate something while it's still around... I'm beyond lucky to learn how to accept the beautiful life I have without saying "I wish I knew then what I know now"... Sure, I'm a goofball (I'm generally just uncomfortable), and I have a lot more lessons to really take in, but to know that I can grow and change and trip and try to turn it into a dance while I'm still in the center of living my dream is just about the greatest thing ever.

I think Jason Mraz wrote, recorded and SANG one of the best songs of 2008, and I hope this makes it back to him...

To everyone waiting under the machine that drops records into their hands, be patient, stay tuned, and remember that I'll never stop thinking about you.

I'm going to bed!

thank you
thank you
thank you

John

*sigh* Ain't he grand?

So, my sister-in-law is on Facebook, yay! She posted some of the cutest pics of my nieces. Seven-year-old Courtney is ALWAYS posing, it's too funny.

Monday...fun.

Well, today at 1:15 is weigh-in. I’m sure I’ve either stayed the same or gained a couple of pounds. That ooey-gooey cheesy goodness at Panera last week is gonna do me in, I’m sure of it. We really have to get serious about our eating plan. We’re eating OK things, but we need to cut back on our starches (to four a day) and up the fruits/veggies. I finally ate a small salad last night after like three or four days of not having one. I wanna get serious, plan things out, and that’s what we eat...period. We walked down and back up the hill in our neighborhood last night. Thought we’d die, but we made it! We tried to go to the gym yesterday to do water aerobics, but there were like 10 people in that little pool, mostly kids. We thought we’d come back later, but didn’t, just decided to walk instead.

Yesterday was Mom’s birthday, and we all went to lunch together. My dad looks crazy, LOL! And, I couldn’t fix the red-eye on Mom, oh well. Aren’t they cute, though? I swear, my mom is me in 30 years.



My dad said the sweetest prayer yesterday before we ate, talking about how much he loved Mom and how he didn’t know what he’d do without her. Honestly, when I was younger, they argued ALOT. I don’t know what’s changed, but they’re nothing like that now. I mean, they’ll have little spats and arguments, but nothing like years ago.

We went to Circuit City Saturday to look for a Taylor Swift CD and a Katy Perry CD, but no such luck. Talk about picked over! But, we did find a racing game for our PS2. I beat the pants off Steven last night - three times, mwahahaha! *evil grin* And, he wonders why I won’t let him drive. ;) JUST KIDDING, SWEETIE! :-* I need to go to Wal-Mart later, tons of things to buy.

OH, John Mayer won two Grammys last night, woohoo! I believe one was for “Say” and one was for “Gravity”. We were playing that video game until 9:00, and then I went to bed. (Yeah, I know, I’m like 98 or something.) I’ll have to catch his performance and acceptance speeches on YouTube - OH, and his red carpet interview(s). Those are always pricesless.