Hello, stranger!

I know it’s been a long time since I updated, but here I am. To be honest, I’d just given up on the whole thing. I wasn’t mentally prepared for it. I’ve been going to therapy for about a month now, and I’ve learned alot. We’ve discovered I probably have a good deal of pent-up anger about something. I’m thinking it’s maybe related to my suffering with OCD, but we don’t know for sure yet. I have a “princess complex,” in that all my life, I’ve been treated like one. I’ve gotten the majority of what I wanted from everyone all my life, and I was really upset when I didn’t. For example – most of the time, I got jobs easily, and when I didn’t, I was heartbroken, wondering what I’d done wrong. This was ME, for crying out loud, didn’t they know that? I tend to bottle up the anger if I don’t get my way with someone I love. I turn most anger in my life toward myself. The aspect of my OCD that causes me to compulsively pick my skin and dig sores into myself, I believe, is due to some anger. I also feel like my eating habits are self-hatred. As Dr. Dave would say, “You’re mean as hell to yourself. You dig holes into your skin, and you stuff yourself.” By eating so much and being so large, I alienate myself from others – the one thing I don’t want. It’s kind of like punishing myself. I know this is all jumbled up and might sound like psychobabble, but it makes sense to me. I told Dr. Dave that I look at pictures of myself when I had lost a good deal of weight, and it makes me sad. He, again, thinks there’s probably some anger there, too, not just sadness. He asked me if it made me sad or angry that I couldn’t do things other people could and that the majority of people shuns me at my size. I said, “I think I’ve just gotten comfortable with it. I don’t let it bother me anymore.” He said, “Well, I think you need to get UNcomfortable. You need to let it make you angry or sad or whatever.” I think that’s gonna be the key to motivating me. I don’t deserve to settle. I deserve to live life to the fullest in every way. I hope this is it. I almost don’t want to jinx myself by blogging about it, talking about it, even thinking about it. But, let’s be honest, that’s not going to be what makes me give up. What makes me give up is my comfort level with my situation. I need to get uncomfortable. I think looking at the pictures and thinking about the things Dr. Dave mentioned will help, but I don’t think it’s the missing piece. I think there’s more to motivate me. I just need to find out what it is.