Reality...

So, I was e-mailing with Marie this morning, and I mentioned to her how, while I'm excited, this doesn't seem real, I guess because I've failed so many times, even after I had great success with surgery. She mentioned to me that while blogging is great -- and I LOVE all the encouragement I get from your comments -- I also need a private "on-the-go" journal where I can really pour my heart out and not hold back.

I forgot to go to the Farmers Market this morning...oops? I believe we're going to try Ingles, anyway, since they have quite a bit of organic produce that's cheaper than Earth Fare. We started to go swimming last night at Mom and Dad's, but decided it was too late after dinner (they live about half an hour away), and then head to Earth Fare.

Our juicer is "out for delivery" with UPS, so hopefully it will arrive before we leave for church tonight. We're going to play around with it some tomorrow. We also got a couple of large insulated containers last night to tote juice to work with us. We have an office birthday lunch next Tuesday, and I'm a little nervous. But, I'll either take my juice along or just have water. Maybe it will show me how strong I really am.

I didn't hate it...

So, Marie came over last night and brought some juice she'd made. I was scared, to tell you the truth, because it was in a jar and very pulp-y...and very orange. I took a sip and had to fight back a gag. I mean, after all, it was veggies, and we all know how I feel about those things. Well, after the second sip, it was a little better. Each sip got better, in fact, and when I was almost done, I didn't hate it. It's a miracle! :) It definitely needs to be cold, though, and I may have to just down a big chug each time and not sip it. She told us that sipping it was not recommended unless done over a very short period of time, say 5 minutes. We may have to adjust for me because of my stomach size after the gastric bypass surgery. Granted, it's much larger than it was just post-op, but it still gets full really quickly. I'd say it's probably 8 to 10 ounces, and we're supposed to do 16 ounces at a time. Hubby, of course, just downed it with no problem and said, "It's fine" when asked what he thought of it. Get this, y'all...it contained carrots (which was obvious because of the deep orange color), cabbage, a Granny Smith apple and half a lemon.

We're really concerned about being around food, especially the first couple of days, so the plan is most likely to stay at home this weekend and pull each other through the hunger and headaches that most likely will occur. Plus, we probably will reside in the bathroom the majority of those two days...thank God we have two. She did advise last night that, although she would like us to follow through to the 60-day limit, to focus on 30 days right now.

Hubby and I were talking last night, and he said he wondered if I actually thought I'd be happier if I was thin. I told him, "Of course," and he still shook his head. He said, "I think you believe that you'll be happier eating what you want to eat." Possibility. I just can't wrap my head around being thin. Marie asked last night what my lowest weight was post-surgery. I told her 240, and she said, "How would you feel if you were 170, saw people you hadn't seen in 10 years, and they didn't recognize you?" I said it would be awesome, I'd be smiling ear to ear. She said, "But, wouldn't that also be strange?" I thought about that for a minute, and she's right. I've always been fat as long as I can remember. I felt different when I was 240, but it was a good different. I don't know how I'll feel being under 200. I just don't know. She wants us both to journal our physical and emotional feelings through this process. She doesn't care if it's writing phrases, writing a novel, whatever. I didn't tell her I blog, LOL! ;) Thanks for tuning in...

Everything is about to change...

I noticed I've been REALLLLLY tired lately, just plain ol' fatigued. I inquired of our nutritionist, and she said I should be feeling good, and to up one of my supplements to two per day. This still didn't help. I was so tired yesterday that I let hubby drive halfway back from middle TN. That, my friends, meant I was super exhausted. Nothing against his driving...I just don't do well in the passenger seat with anyone. I had a light bulb go off over my head, though...I haven't taken my iron supplements in two or six months...oops? I let myself run out, then forgot to get them filled. I'm supposed to take three slow-release tablets per day...that's a bit of a step up from, oh, NONE per day. My joints and back hurt, too. I'm a mess today. Anyway, we meet again with Marie tonight to really go over in detail the juice fasting plan. Our juicer should be here soon, although Amazon didn't feel the need to provide tracking information. Wow, thanks? I just hope it gets here before Saturday, so we can start as planned. We decided to start on a weekend in case we have some...intestinal issues...as we've heard we might during the first couple of days. We're weaning off of meats, dairy, and bread this week. And, I'm to hold it do one tea a day, so I'm not detoxing from caffeine at the same time as everything else. Interactions with me would be less than pleasant.

I can't help but think of a song I've found inspirational these last couple of weeks..."Move" by Mercy Me.

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard You say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see Your face

[Chorus]
When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

I've got to hold it steady
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change
This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days
I just might bend but I wont break
As long as I can see Your face

The next step...

So, the next step in this juicing journey, as I'll call it, is our week or so of prep to get our bodies more used to what we'll be eating (or not eating, depending on how you look at it). We meet again with our nutritionist on Monday, when she'll give us lots more details about the plan itself. From what I've read -- and I could be wrong -- you can mix up veggies/fruits as you will, but there are various recipes provided on the program's website. I e-mailed our nutritionist last night, worried about whether I'm going to be able to choke down this stuff, since I loathe veggies. Yes, not only do I hate them, the level of hate is pretty significant. We had some organic tomato soup, though, last night at dinner, and I liked it. It wasn't the best thing I've ever eaten, mind you, but it was edible and I actually almost enjoyed it. Anyway, the nutritionist (Marie) wrote back to me and gave lots of encouragement and inspirational words of wisdom. She informed me that the fruit actually takes a big edge off of the veggie taste, so much that it's barely there. I've come to a decision, though. I want to lose this weight so badly, and I obviously can't control my food intake. I confessed to hubby the other day about cheating...I know, I know. I think this program is it...it's juice or nothing. There will be no sneaking food, b/c Pal's shouldn't be showing up on our bank statement anymore, even for a tea. So, if there is a charge on there, I'm busted...and that's a good thing. So, the juicer should arrive next week, and we begin juicing next Saturday, August 13th. Here we go! :)

Big decision...

OK, let me start at the beginning...good place, right? I attended a ladies' retreat through my church last weekend at Carson Springs near Newport. It was a beautiful place, and I had a wonderful time meeting new friends and getting to know old friends even better. The theme was "Think BIG...our GOD is!" Near the end of the sessions, there was a time for open testimony. I spoke about how God brought me through a very dark time in my life when I was deep in depression because of my OCD and contemplating suicide. I then proceeded to break down, asking for prayers in regard to my weight loss journey. I shared with everyone that I have battled this since I was 5 and that I'm now 35. I got lots of big hugs, and Becky (one of our leaders) immediately stopped to lead the group in prayer for me. It was very touching, and I felt encouraged. However, over the weekend, after I got back in town, those thoughts started rising up. "Why do you want to learn more about God? It's not like you're a Christian, anyway. God was done with you years ago. You turned away his salvation too many times when you were younger." (This is a whole 'nother battle besides the weight, folks.) Anyway, I did go to Lifeway today and bought a purse Bible. :) I found another one I want, the Life Application Bible (NIV). I now have a 20% off discount of my next purchase because my punch card is full. :) Thinking of buying that one...

Anyway, on to the "big decision". We have been meeting weekly with a nutritionist. She's holistic, which I know sounds weird to some of you, but she's very educated, conservative about weight loss plans, and a genuinely caring human being. She told us that a particular doctor's name had crossed her desk several times lately, and two people have given her a book by this particular doctor. His name is Joel Fuhrman, and the book is "Eat to Live". We all know I don't like veggies unless they're chopped so fine I can't get that chunky texture. She knows how I feel about veggies. She said she was about to drop a bomb. She reminded us how conservative she really is with weight loss plans and nutrition. She proceeded to tell us that there was a way we could lose a massive amount of weight in a short time by "rebooting" our metabolic system and our body as a whole. The answer? A juicing fast. Basically, we would be juicing fruits and veggies and having only that for anywhere from 10 to 60 days (60 days is the limit). There is a documentary film about this program called "Sick, Fat and Nearly Dead", I believe. We're going to watch it tonight on streaming Netflix. I feel excitement about this like I did when I was trying for and preparing for my gastric bypass surgery. Marie (our nutritionist) wants us to be sure our doctors are on board and indicated we would need bloodwork every 10 to 14 days to ensure we were getting everything we needed. I watched a video on YouTube earlier from "The Doctors" show, and there was a young lady who hated veggies. She tried a juice made with beets, carrots, ginger and lemon and absolutely loved it. I'm thinking even if I DO hate it, I can always chase it with water. She marked a couple of passages for us from the book, and Steven read them outloud last night. One mentioned a girl who was so much like me and lost, like, 300 pounds. The thing is, too, they are keeping it off...for years! The passage also made reference to a "dark pit" of being morbidly obese, and there was mention of a "dark pit" this weekend at the ladies' retreat? Coincidence...or God? Just pray that we will make the right decision. Steven is raring to go, he can make himself do anything. I, on the other hand, have a serious gag reflex when it comes to certain tastes and smells.

Chains are so heavy...

So, we just laid out a large amount of money for nutrition/food counseling with an AWESOME professional. But, I am struggling so hard. I swear, this food addiction has such an evil, strong hold on me. I don't know what to do. I did pray for a little bit and said, "God, I know your Son took all this on the cross for me, I'm claiming that." Because, really it IS sin, if you think about it. I'm being a glutton and so stubborn. I've done gastric bypass, I've done counseling, even a Celebrate Recovery group. It's like no matter what I do, I can't get free. I feel like I've got huge chains and weights on me. I don't know if it's more of a food addiction or an addiction to getting my way and doing what I want to do. Either way. I feel like nothing helps. I know this is whining, but I'm asking my friends to pray, send positive thoughts, whatever is your form of support. It's such a dark thing, so heavy and so evil. :(

I'm back...again.

I was prompted by a friend to start blogging again, so here I am! (Thanks, Susan!) Well, hubby and I have started a new chapter in this journey. We've met with a natural/holistic nutritionist and have signed up for a good deal of sessions with her. We have been eating mostly organic food for a couple of weeks, and I can't tell you how much better we feel! The nutritionist is super nice, and she's very knowledgeable. Our new insurance declined one of my OCD meds (I take three), so I'm slowly weaning off of it. Honestly, I have felt no differently, thank God! Marie (our nutritionist) will come up with supplement plan specifically for hubby and me, and she said that one is definitely going to help where I'm coming off of that particular medicine. She is also going to hold cooking classes with us, a grocery store trip together to learn what's good and what's not good for us. I'm really excited. I believe we have, like, 10 sessions and six workshops, yippee! The sessions are an hour to an hour and a half each, and the workshops are around three hours each. I'm excited, this is going to be a weekly thing. She may actually get me to eat veggies...we'll see. ;) Stay tuned...