Big decision...

OK, let me start at the beginning...good place, right? I attended a ladies' retreat through my church last weekend at Carson Springs near Newport. It was a beautiful place, and I had a wonderful time meeting new friends and getting to know old friends even better. The theme was "Think BIG...our GOD is!" Near the end of the sessions, there was a time for open testimony. I spoke about how God brought me through a very dark time in my life when I was deep in depression because of my OCD and contemplating suicide. I then proceeded to break down, asking for prayers in regard to my weight loss journey. I shared with everyone that I have battled this since I was 5 and that I'm now 35. I got lots of big hugs, and Becky (one of our leaders) immediately stopped to lead the group in prayer for me. It was very touching, and I felt encouraged. However, over the weekend, after I got back in town, those thoughts started rising up. "Why do you want to learn more about God? It's not like you're a Christian, anyway. God was done with you years ago. You turned away his salvation too many times when you were younger." (This is a whole 'nother battle besides the weight, folks.) Anyway, I did go to Lifeway today and bought a purse Bible. :) I found another one I want, the Life Application Bible (NIV). I now have a 20% off discount of my next purchase because my punch card is full. :) Thinking of buying that one...

Anyway, on to the "big decision". We have been meeting weekly with a nutritionist. She's holistic, which I know sounds weird to some of you, but she's very educated, conservative about weight loss plans, and a genuinely caring human being. She told us that a particular doctor's name had crossed her desk several times lately, and two people have given her a book by this particular doctor. His name is Joel Fuhrman, and the book is "Eat to Live". We all know I don't like veggies unless they're chopped so fine I can't get that chunky texture. She knows how I feel about veggies. She said she was about to drop a bomb. She reminded us how conservative she really is with weight loss plans and nutrition. She proceeded to tell us that there was a way we could lose a massive amount of weight in a short time by "rebooting" our metabolic system and our body as a whole. The answer? A juicing fast. Basically, we would be juicing fruits and veggies and having only that for anywhere from 10 to 60 days (60 days is the limit). There is a documentary film about this program called "Sick, Fat and Nearly Dead", I believe. We're going to watch it tonight on streaming Netflix. I feel excitement about this like I did when I was trying for and preparing for my gastric bypass surgery. Marie (our nutritionist) wants us to be sure our doctors are on board and indicated we would need bloodwork every 10 to 14 days to ensure we were getting everything we needed. I watched a video on YouTube earlier from "The Doctors" show, and there was a young lady who hated veggies. She tried a juice made with beets, carrots, ginger and lemon and absolutely loved it. I'm thinking even if I DO hate it, I can always chase it with water. She marked a couple of passages for us from the book, and Steven read them outloud last night. One mentioned a girl who was so much like me and lost, like, 300 pounds. The thing is, too, they are keeping it off...for years! The passage also made reference to a "dark pit" of being morbidly obese, and there was mention of a "dark pit" this weekend at the ladies' retreat? Coincidence...or God? Just pray that we will make the right decision. Steven is raring to go, he can make himself do anything. I, on the other hand, have a serious gag reflex when it comes to certain tastes and smells.

Chains are so heavy...

So, we just laid out a large amount of money for nutrition/food counseling with an AWESOME professional. But, I am struggling so hard. I swear, this food addiction has such an evil, strong hold on me. I don't know what to do. I did pray for a little bit and said, "God, I know your Son took all this on the cross for me, I'm claiming that." Because, really it IS sin, if you think about it. I'm being a glutton and so stubborn. I've done gastric bypass, I've done counseling, even a Celebrate Recovery group. It's like no matter what I do, I can't get free. I feel like I've got huge chains and weights on me. I don't know if it's more of a food addiction or an addiction to getting my way and doing what I want to do. Either way. I feel like nothing helps. I know this is whining, but I'm asking my friends to pray, send positive thoughts, whatever is your form of support. It's such a dark thing, so heavy and so evil. :(

I'm back...again.

I was prompted by a friend to start blogging again, so here I am! (Thanks, Susan!) Well, hubby and I have started a new chapter in this journey. We've met with a natural/holistic nutritionist and have signed up for a good deal of sessions with her. We have been eating mostly organic food for a couple of weeks, and I can't tell you how much better we feel! The nutritionist is super nice, and she's very knowledgeable. Our new insurance declined one of my OCD meds (I take three), so I'm slowly weaning off of it. Honestly, I have felt no differently, thank God! Marie (our nutritionist) will come up with supplement plan specifically for hubby and me, and she said that one is definitely going to help where I'm coming off of that particular medicine. She is also going to hold cooking classes with us, a grocery store trip together to learn what's good and what's not good for us. I'm really excited. I believe we have, like, 10 sessions and six workshops, yippee! The sessions are an hour to an hour and a half each, and the workshops are around three hours each. I'm excited, this is going to be a weekly thing. She may actually get me to eat veggies...we'll see. ;) Stay tuned...

Oops, I did it again...

So, I haven't been updating, because honestly, I've not been doing very well. And, when I don't do well, I don't want to own up to it, I want to hide. There, I said it. My carb addiction is back in full force...and I'm not happy about it. Well, wait...I'm happy as far as it makes me happy to fulfill that craving. But, I'm not happy with how I feel -- at all. Periodically, I'll remember some of you letting me know that you are praying daily for me. I feel I've let you down. I've taken those prayers neither into consideration nor to heart. I do appreciate it, though, and please, don't stop!

Last Friday afternoon, i was sitting at work and honestly felt like I was having a heart attack. My chest was aching with pain on both sides. I was on the verge of going to the hospital, but fortunately, it turned out to be a really bad case of heartburn. Sorry to be gross...but at least I wasn't dying! ;) I didn't say anything to my co-workers, because I didn't want it to be real. (So, I'll just sit here and fall out of my chair while clutching my chest. It's really no big deal. Smart, huh?)

Saw a video of myself from an event at church this past Sunday night, and that didn't help, either. I know my true friends don't judge me by my size, but it's so right-there-in-your-face. A wonderful friend of mine has referred hubby and I to a nutritionist, and get this...our appointment is 8 years to the day after my gastric bypass surgery. How...ironic? How...depressing. BUT, I just have to get up again, right? I've fought this monster since I was 5, for 30 years...can't stop now, right? I can't let it win. I can't die young just because I'm in love with food. I can't give it the control over me. As much of a control freak as I am, you'd think I'd be so obsessive about what I eat and my weight. I still think there are some underlying issues as to why I eat like I do. I honestly believe the whole carb addiction theory, but I also believe there's an emotional side to this, too. I just never have been able to find it. I did pick up a book that I've been reading -- "Made to Crave" by Lisa with Proverbs 31 Ministries. I can relate to her ALOT.

I just have to remember, I can do this. The question is "WILL I?"

Hey, wait!!! There goes the wagon...

I think I fell off. :-\ Hubby and I have been...how shall i says this...not following the plan the last couple of days. However, we are going to my FAVORITE restaurant tomorrow for date night. They have INCREDIBLE desserts. One last hoorah, and time to go to the grocery store, and we're back on Phase 1 Saturday morning. :)

Please hold...

I promise I will soon start updating more! We have a Pampered Chef party this weekend, so I may get a little off the rails with all that good food/refreshments. I may go back to Phase 1 of South Beach after that, just to restart. I've regained 3 pounds, but that's OK. We're gonna fix it. Thanks for your support! :)

I'm back...

Hey, I've had a couple of you tell me you're missing my posts. I really appreciate that, and I apologize for dropping off the face of the planet like that. I'll be honest, it's been really hard lately. I'm at that 2-3 week point (or so), where I start to slip (or want to slip). This is a real addiction, folks. I DID find something awesome yesterday, though - Mello Yello Zero. You know how awesome Mountain Dew is and how crappy Diet Mountain Dew is? Well, that is not the case with Mello Yello and its counterpart. It's actually tolerable - good, in fact. Gonna pick some up at lunch. ;) Better than sweet tea, right? Right. *sigh*

Saw one of my friends (hi, Tracie!) at the 5K sponsored by our church last night. I hope she did well, I'm sure she did. Hubby and I were working the registration table, and someone came up that had lost 262 pounds in a year (without gastric bypass) and was doing the 5K last night. He showed us a picture of him before he lost weight...amazing! I had a bad weekend (forgot my medicine Saturday), and I bawled yesterday. I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but it's such a strong pull between satisfying that craving and doing what I want (I know, that's immature) and knowing how good I'll look and feel if I lose weight. I've never known another struggle like this. Again, not whining, just saying. It's incredible the pull that food/carbs has, almost scary.