Trudging Along

So, today was day #4 of getting up at 5:30 a.m. to go to the gym. We’ve decided Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be water aerobics, and Tuesday and Thursday will be strength training. I’m feeling really good. I can move easier. I’ve kind of got near the back of the wagon today with these little Quaker Rice Cakes 90-calorie packs. They’re so good, I can’t help it. :( Darn you, Quaker, and your white chocolate drizzle-y goodness! Darn you! As of yesterday, though, I’ve lost 4-1/2 pounds. I’m trying to weigh every two or three days, not every day. Getting up early and going to the gym gives me more time in the evening, too. I’ve been trying to do one load of laundry each night and catching up on my Confessions of a Shopaholic series reading. Feels good to get stuff done.

I’m at the point I get to every time I try to start losing weight. It’s getting hard to say no to food, even when I don’t have any pent-up feelings being channeled toward it. I’m having to be really strong and say “NO, you don’t need that.” I know it will be hard when I hit a weight loss plateau, too. Seeing results makes it easier for me to keep going. I need to take my measurements and see how I shrink.

OK, this is off-topic, but I’m looking for a cute purse with a ribbon/bow for spring. A girl in my Sunday School class gave me the name of a girl who’s made purses for her and her mom before and would probably make one for me. I’ve e-mailed her, so we’ll see what she says.

My Meme is sick. :( She’s sneezing, and her little nose is warm and dry, not cold and wet. The vet said if she’s eating the same amount and has the same energy level (which she is/does), she’s probably just got a cold or even allergies. They said if it gets worse, or if I see any changes in her, to bring her in for a shot. I just worry a little, because she’s had an upper respiratory infection before. I guess we’ll just wait and see.

Say what?

So, I got up this morning at 5:45 to go to the gym…no, seriously. Steven went with me, and we did weights for about 20 minutes. I know, that’s not much, but we had to be back home by 6:45 to start getting ready for work. It technically opens at 6:00, but someone this morning had signed in at 5:35, so obviously, someone comes in earlier. I think we’ll do water aerobics tomorrow.  Have to get there earlier than we did today, though.

Why am I doing this, you may ask. I had an awesome group therapy session last night. From what I told them, others recognized that I stress eat (I didn’t think I did that) and that when I can’t express my feelings and emotions, I express myself by eating. It was very clear to me after that. They asked how the gym thing had been going, and I said we were trying to make a plan go to Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings and stick to it, no matter what. Dr. Dave suggested that I go in the mornings and do it every day to get into the habit. We think what we’re going to do is Monday through Friday mornings and take the weekends off. Honestly, it wasn’t bad. I was more awake and alert this morning than I usually am at 6:45. I think I sleep too much, and ultimately, that makes me feel bad.

I’ve done pretty well today. I had cereal for breakfast, a PB&J sandwich for a snack, and for lunch, I had some Laughing Cow and Triscuits, a small stack of ham, turkey, cheese and crackers and some one 90-calorie pack of rice cakes. For my snack this afternoon, I’ve had my other PB&J sandwich. Keep in mind, this is on whole wheat bread, and it’s not smothered with PB&J. I still have my Sun Chips, and I may or may not eat them. I know it sounds like I’ve eaten a lot, but I really think starting my day with exercise boosted my metabolism. :)

oops

Well, I stumbled. I didn’t exactly fall on my face, but I stumbled. I guess this is confession time. Last night, I bought a box of Fiber One blueberry muffins. The second ingredient was whole wheat flour, so I thought, “OK, this will be OK.” We’d had apple muffins the night before, and somebody ate the majority of them – not me, believe it or not. ;) So, I decided to get another box of mix. Wednesday night’s box made 9, this box made 10. I had a couple, then a little while later, I walked through the kitchen and grabbed another. I got up at 11:45 for a drink of Kool-Aid and got another one. *sigh* I didn’t mention earlier that the first ingredient was sugar, did I? I didn’t think so. We went out to eat last night at KFC, and we got the buffet. Fortunately, though, each of us only had one plateful. I had one piece of chicken, half a cup of mashed potatoes, some green beans and a little bit of corn. No biscuit, no dessert, yay me! So, I guess the day wasn’t a total loss food-wise. Just pick myself up and start again, right? I have so many people behind me. :)

Hello, stranger!

I know it’s been a long time since I updated, but here I am. To be honest, I’d just given up on the whole thing. I wasn’t mentally prepared for it. I’ve been going to therapy for about a month now, and I’ve learned alot. We’ve discovered I probably have a good deal of pent-up anger about something. I’m thinking it’s maybe related to my suffering with OCD, but we don’t know for sure yet. I have a “princess complex,” in that all my life, I’ve been treated like one. I’ve gotten the majority of what I wanted from everyone all my life, and I was really upset when I didn’t. For example – most of the time, I got jobs easily, and when I didn’t, I was heartbroken, wondering what I’d done wrong. This was ME, for crying out loud, didn’t they know that? I tend to bottle up the anger if I don’t get my way with someone I love. I turn most anger in my life toward myself. The aspect of my OCD that causes me to compulsively pick my skin and dig sores into myself, I believe, is due to some anger. I also feel like my eating habits are self-hatred. As Dr. Dave would say, “You’re mean as hell to yourself. You dig holes into your skin, and you stuff yourself.” By eating so much and being so large, I alienate myself from others – the one thing I don’t want. It’s kind of like punishing myself. I know this is all jumbled up and might sound like psychobabble, but it makes sense to me. I told Dr. Dave that I look at pictures of myself when I had lost a good deal of weight, and it makes me sad. He, again, thinks there’s probably some anger there, too, not just sadness. He asked me if it made me sad or angry that I couldn’t do things other people could and that the majority of people shuns me at my size. I said, “I think I’ve just gotten comfortable with it. I don’t let it bother me anymore.” He said, “Well, I think you need to get UNcomfortable. You need to let it make you angry or sad or whatever.” I think that’s gonna be the key to motivating me. I don’t deserve to settle. I deserve to live life to the fullest in every way. I hope this is it. I almost don’t want to jinx myself by blogging about it, talking about it, even thinking about it. But, let’s be honest, that’s not going to be what makes me give up. What makes me give up is my comfort level with my situation. I need to get uncomfortable. I think looking at the pictures and thinking about the things Dr. Dave mentioned will help, but I don’t think it’s the missing piece. I think there’s more to motivate me. I just need to find out what it is.